T-Girl Blogger

In Closing?

2012-01-19T14:32:00.001-08:00

Well, maybe it's winter time blues, but I haven't felt much like posting. I don't know but I think I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm also thinking about closing this blog. Why?

I had some experiences to share and I hoped that some of them would be of help to others. However, I was also hoping for some social interaction - and I am pretty sure that is not going to happen now.

It seems like age is catching up to me, for one thing. I've been lucky with genetics and have always looked younger than my age - but in the last year I've seemed to age a lot. I can see it in the photos.

This is one of those things that happens to everyone- like the actress who never seems to age then all of a sudden she seems twenty years older virtually overnight. A fact of life, for sure, but a killer if you want some intimacy. Oh well. That's what I get for being a good churchy girl when I was young enough to get some; and now nobody is going to give me a second look. Or not a lustful second look anyway.

And I'm not really all that interested in starting a blog for geriatric transgender folk. Maybe I should, but right now that's just too depressing to even think about.

Finally, it's rare to see a comment here. Oh, I get some statistical visits; maybe a hundred a day.... more on a good day. But the stats also show that mostly it's just people looking for tits. So it looks like I'm just going to be the crazy cat lady and nothing more.

I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I have to think about it some more.

- Posted from my iPad

The Super Secret Road to Feminization

2011-12-16T12:38:00.000-08:00

Okay, so you want to do something to feminize yourself but for some reason you're in a position where you can't get hormones. I understand. I felt like that when I was a teenager and then even as a young adult it seemed like I had to be sneaky for a time.

I can't and won't give medical advice. All I'm doing here is sharing information that has been shared with me at one time or another. Some of it is obscure - super-secret, if you will. I figure someone else should have this information besides me, so that you can do your own research and come to your own conclusions.

Real hormones are always risky but work better than substitutes as far as I know. But if you're married and your wife doesn't approve or you are in some other situation, you just can't do it. I sympathize. Hormones and their substitutes all have their risks but if you are an adult you can choose for yourself whether you want to take those risks or not, in my opinion.

Once again, this is not medical advice - it's some information that you must evaluate and use at your own risk. So don't even think about suing me. Whatever you do or don't do - it's your choice and solely at your own risk. But for those of you in such a delicate position, here's some super-secret things you can do where probably nobody will guess what you're up to. It will just be between you and me.

Hormones.
You can get hormones from all kinds of sources. Real ones are best but you've probably heard of or even used phyto-estrogens (those plant chemicals that mimic estrogen). But what if even that is off limits? Well, here are some things you can use that may give similar effects without outing yourself:
1. Soy Milk. Yep, it's a phyto-estrogen. But maybe you have a milk allergy so you have to use something different in your cereal and coffee, right? Who has the right to question your milk sensitivities. Now, anything that looks like estrogen to your body will build some breast tissue but that also means it might increase your risk of breast cancer. Also, if you're a guy - especially a married one - it might have other effects like reducing your ability to get or maintain an erection. I don't know. You'll need to investigate and weigh things for yourself.
2. Canned Soup. This is a weird one, right? It's strictly from my own brain but maybe it's time to fall in love with canned soup. The secret is actually in the can lining, which contains BPA - apparently pretty much all soup products have this. I read a study recently that said people who eat a lot of canned soup have elevated levels of BPA in their urine. Now this got my attention!
You may have heard from somewhere that BPA is bad for you but you don't know why. At least part of the thing that is bad for you, I think, is that BPA (a plastic) has some chemical similarity to estrogen and could have some estrogen-like effects on the body. A lot of BPA may cause breast growth in men. Crazy, I know, but soup is like a health food, right? It might kill you, too, but I think it's hard to know what all of the effects of chemicals are. People eat soup anyway, so maybe you want to do that too. Maybe you are eating soup to help you lose weight (low calorie) - or maybe you just like it. It's nobody's business. I know there is a concern about BPA raising the risk of cancer. I think that the concern is the possibility of increasing breast cancer risks because of the estrogen-like effects. Maybe there's other stuff too - you should do your own research and make your own decision about it.

Breast-growing anti-androgens:
Tagemet. Yeah, this is a super duper secret I got from a doctor. Chances are, you've never heard of this little trick before. I hadn't.
Tagemet is the brand name of the generic antacid Cimetidine. Usually, you take 1 200 mg tablet every 12 hours for heartburn. But a doctor said if you double that dose, you get anti-androgenic effects because Cimetidine apparently partially blocks DHT (a form of testosterone). For this reason, some people use it to reduce hair loss in male pattern baldness. I almost hesitate to pass this tidbit along because I'm afraid if everyone starts doing it some halfwit bureaucrat will decide it should be illegal. So don't go spreading this around, okay?
You can buy Tagamet at any grocery or department store but the brand name is about 10 dollars for 30 tablets so it gets expensive if you are taking 4 tablets a day. Thankfully, I recently found a generic. You cannot substitute any OTHER antacids because they don't work the same - but you can save a lot of money by getting Tagamet's generic form: Cimetidine here.

Now once again a disclaimer: I'm not vouching for any of this stuff. If soup makes you sick, it's on you. I may have used some of these things, including a current use of Cimetidine. I haven't had any problems but that doesn't mean you won't. I'm not a doctor and I don't give medical advice. I'm just saying, there's more than one way to go about things and you can come to your own conclusions about what you need in your life.

So there you have it; the super duper mega stealth TG secrets.. What you do with that information is totally up to you.

The Latest in Milk

2011-12-06T12:16:00.000-08:00

Here is an example of induced lactation, provided for educational purposes only....

So I haven't really had the satisfactory results I had hoped for. It's weird because I've done better in the past and it makes me wonder what's wrong with my body chemistry!

Right now, you're seeing about all I can get. I had half a drop of clear liquid for about a week and a half. It's been hard to work around my schedule lately, so I'm thinking of taking a break for the holidays and starting up again after the first of the year, and maybe save up to purchase some better equipment.

My Lansinoh pump is a good strong pump for getting things started but I have my eye on a more versatile pump for building milk supply. The one I want to save up for is the Avent dual electric breast pump. The thing that is cool about this pump is that it uniquely allows the "squeeze and hold" technique that is so vital to increasing milk production.

I don't know if I mentioned this before but I have a manual Phillips Avent pump as backup for my Lansinoh electric. I discovered I really liked the padded cups but I also found the value of using squeeze and hold: The idea is, you use several rapid pumps to get things started, then squeeze and hold for a count of two, release and repeat. This longer hold time better simulates the action of a nursing baby. It also feels really good. It's something you can do manually with a manual pump (but that is unbelievably tiresome) but electric pumps don't have a hold. Except this one.

So I'm thinking that a different pump might do the trick. I'll have to save up for it, though, unless someone decides to get me one for Christmas. So in the meantime, I might be taking a break. I think my prolactin levels are pretty through the roof and it's getting to wear me down a bit.

Just in case you're thinking about me, here's my TGirl Wish/Gift list. Not that I'm begging or anything.

General updates on Breast Pumping for induced lactation

2011-11-16T13:12:00.000-08:00

I'm still stuck in the same place. Well, I haven't pumped for days because the suction has been bad. It isn't the pump, though, it's the suction bottle mechanism. They wear out. I ordered an Ameda Purely Yours Replacement Parts Kit
- it also fits the Lansinoh pump I have. Actually Ameda makes Lansinoh electric pumps and they are both bargains as high-powered double electric pumps go. The Lansinoh just happens to be cheaper Mine also runs off batteries when I'm traveling, which is nice. The pump (Lansinoh Affinity Double Electric Breast Pump) really has a ton of suction. In the past it worked for me in a couple of months. This time, I don't know except I know it's me. There must be something off about my body chemistry. Oh and here is the Ameda Purely Yours Breast Pump in case you're interested.

I'm thinking about maybe adding some Fenugreek in the hopes of giving the process a little kickstart. I can't wait for my replacement parts to arrive in the meantime!

More Blonde Stuff

2011-11-04T17:17:00.001-07:00

Another photo of the darker blond that my hair color at the moment. I really liked the bigger poofy Britney style i previously wore, though. I don't know...

And i am not getting the helpful feedback I had hoped for, either. Sheesh. I need you guys to help me, sometimes, you know? So I'm not going to talk about anything else for awhile ... There's stuff going on, too; Thinking about getting permanent eyeliner (it's a tattoo) ... And I still am trying to induce. That's all I am saying. :)

- Posted from my iPad

More Blonde Shade and Style (Hair Help Request)

2011-10-20T19:51:00.000-07:00

Golden blonde... must be a 'chubby cheeks' day

My hair is actually this color now (above) since I bleached it! Also, this style is more of what you always see from me. Anyway....I really liked my Britney Spears big hair poof, right? (See below). I look like a cute fluffy poodle.. But "just friends" Bob didn't like it so much, and my sister and Christa both said they preferred the straighter style above.. Mr. Bob specifically said that the big blonde look was too light and too much hair for my age. I don't know. I guess I'm not a good judge of these things. Obviously I don't see myself as others see me.

The big hair look, also a lighter true blonde

You all know my natural shade is dark brown, but I used to bleach my hair. In fact, I was a bleach-blonde for pretty much the whole last half of the 90's anyway. These more recent photos are wig experiments, prompted by the fact that I lost some hair when they had me on Warfarin a while back. Yeah, rat poison, who would think that could be bad for you? Stupid doctor. But I digress... I still have a lot of natural hair but I've cut it short now so I can try some cute wigs.

I really like being a blonde. I don't know that it works for me, though. Like I said, I'm apparently no judge. So, help me out, here? I want to be cute and sexy but NOT look like a ginormous freak, you know? Help!

You'll have to compensate, mentally, for the fact that my face (to me) looks fatter in the picture above. Le sigh. I don't know if it was the camera angle or if I'm retaining water.

My natural, 'pre-Warfarin' hair, in case you forgot

Yep, Still in Blonde Mode

2011-10-09T14:07:00.001-07:00

Well, it's just one of those things... I like the color, what can i say? Anyway, I visited with a Tgirl friend from another site over the weekend, and SHE thought I looked hot as a blonde. :) Our visit was fun and would have been more fun if we had both not been so broke and if her mom hadn't gone to the hospital on Saturday.
I miss the city and that's part of the fun for me - yet at the same time absence from home also makes me appreciate what I have.

I don't know what I'm going to do about induced lactation: I've missed assorted pumping sessions because I've been on the road, and that just slows everything down. It's always a long, drawn-out process and I'm making it worse. I haven't given up, yet, but I'm very tempted.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Main Ave N,Tillamook,United States

Blonde Ambition

2011-10-02T14:40:00.001-07:00

Well, I haven't posted in awhile so I thought I'd share this bit of fun. I've bleached my hair in the past, as some of you know, but this is just a wig. I'm wearing my normal makeup but it's too dark if I really wanted to go blonde full time. The pose really is just because I was thinking of my much hotter (and more famous) blonde cousin, Suzanne Pittson.

So yeah, I love the color although I need to do something about my face. No smartass comments on that one! :) However, I AM looking for feedback. I know people read this stuff, you just need to talk to me. Sheesh.

When I'm up to it, I'll post an update on my frustrating attempts to induce lactation but right now I'm just not in the mood.

- Posted from my iPad

Breast Pump Effects

2011-09-13T12:01:00.000-07:00

Journaling my present efforts to induce lactation, examples of where we've gotten so far - provided for educational purposes. Your results will vary.

This is a photo taken about 10 minutes after using the breast pump. You can see the line of the pump cone as a result. I've been using the pump for about a month this time around - it's too soon for milk but you do see some changes to my nipple area. Refer to the "My Girls" post where there is a profile picture linked about halfway down to make a comparison.

My left breast was the subject of this photo because I like the shape better. Like most girls, my breasts are not exactly the same size or shape. People just aren't perfectly symmetrical, after all. My right breast is a bit smaller and doesn't quite have the fullness.

The most interesting thing is the temporary expansion of my nipple. A tape measure is included below purely for reference purposes.

Just For Fun

2011-09-05T13:19:00.000-07:00

Well I haven't had much to say lately so here is an image I thought I'd share just for fun from my Ipad. Personally, I love playing with slutty makeup and wigs but I can't really see doing it in public. Every other picture you see on here is just my natural hair, however I've styled/cut it that day. This is an over the top version of me - something to fantasize about.

I've been working on inducing lactation; it's a s-l-o-w freakin arduous process! I don't know if I have the determination to see it through but I might. I've done it before, after all. I spend a whole lot of time dreaming and fantasizing about breastfeeding all of you - and that's what keeps me going.

I'll keep you posted.

Reddit Tgirl Notes

2011-09-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

So I have various sites I frequent where tgirl related issues are discussed. On one of them, yet again, I heard (read) the comment, "I have to constantly watch out for guys who are just interested in me cause I'm a trans woman." Something I've heard about a million times.

See, this has always bothered me. I'm a t-girl who has been around a l-o-n-g time, so I've heard this a lot. In fact, many (perhaps the majority) of my tgirl friends have said things like this at one time or another. It's like a reflexive, politically correct ideology which apparently is to be accepted without question. But to me it sounds like that old Groucho Marx line about how I wouldn't belong to any club that would have someone like me as a member.

Now, girls, before you freak out on me let's put our thinking caps on and give this consideration. I've heard the explanations, like, I want him to be attracted to me for who I am not what I have. Of course, by this logic, he might fall in love with a genetic man or genetic woman next because apparently he doesn't care at all about sex or the mechanics thereof. Is that realistic? Do you really want to spend your life being attracted to and perhaps chasing only men who would be repulsed by seeing you naked?

And not only that, what you have is PART of who you are and you can't change that. Fact. I know we're not happy with our anatomy but this has to do with acceptance of yourself, and acceptance of reality. It's a place one should try to get to before entertaining the idea of a physical relationship. Furthermore, despite the borg-enforced political correctness of not wanting a man who wants you as you are, it's a transparently ridiculous notion if you really step back and break it down.

I mean, turn it around: Genetic woman says, "I have to watch out for guys who might be attracted to me because I have a vagina." Dumb. Really, really dumb. But that's what you are saying whether you realize it or not; I'm a girl who happens to have a penis and I can't stand being with anyone who likes what I really am.

One of the first times this hit home was many years ago when a tgirl friend from a Washington DC area support group we both attended wanted to talk privately. She had a confession and she needed to talk to someone. In hushed tones and with a note of shame, she told me about a recent date where she'd been with a guy and they ended up in bed. They had doggie-style anal sex and afterwards he sucked her off. She told me how she really liked it - but she was embarrassed and ashamed for that. She felt like maybe everyone would think that she wasn't a real T* woman. I promised not to tell and have kept that story to myself for 15 years. It was both sad and enlightening, and I understood that what she said was true: Our mutual friends in the TG/TS support group would no doubt have ostracized her for her lack of sufficient hatred of her body parts.

As a tgirl I understand about struggling with personal identity and I know it's all wrapped up in that. To me, though, this is just a projected way of saying, "I hate myself and what I am so I can't love anyone who doesn't hate what I am, too." My opinion.

I know most of you will continue to turn a blind eye to this and some will violently disagree with me but I know what I'm talking about: Once upon a time, I had this attitude. For the prime of my tgirl life, in fact. Well, let me tell you, you WILL regret it, someday.

On a personal note, I spent 13 years in a living-together relationship with a guy who would fit the bill perfectly for tgirls who think like this. He loved me but wasn't interested in what I had between my legs. Just what you think you want, right? We lived as a married couple and he loved me - just not my anatomy. Result: I didn't get laid for 13 years. Thirteen fucking years. The whole prime of my tgirl life. Nothing. Not once. Not ever. You might think that's some kind of t-girl heaven but having lived through it I must say, no thank you.

My Girls

2011-08-19T11:35:00.000-07:00

My girls have been wanting to say hello - I think they're feeling neglected or something. On the other hand, I don't want my blog censored by Google, either, and we all know they LOVE to do that. So my girls and I reached a deal that they could be here but they'd have to have a bar put over their most sensitive areas. We all hate the bar but the NWO has dictated it. Le sigh.

NOTE: I just found out there is a glitch in my email thanks to a server change :( ..if you sent me email recently, you'll have to re-send. Sorry.

So I've been using the breast pump lately. It's almost addictive because it feels so good but it's also time consuming. I figure a good pumping schedule should eat up about 4 hours a day. I can't really do that but I do as much as I can. And if I keep it up, I might be lactating again in a couple of weeks. Of course, that's not as much fun when there isn't anyone to drink my milk. Oh well, I probably won't do it.

Oh, and here is a side view just for clarification. Transgender breast development is such a tricky thing. I was on 7.5 mg of Premarin for about 10 years and I used hormone cycling, Motillium and pumping to lactate a couple of times, and if I had it all to do over again I'd probably cycle progesterone in there, although that's somewhat controversial. Being fat has also added to my boob size, of course, and I feel obligated to remind everyone of that. In any case, I'm still not happy. I think I'd probably just get implants if I had the money. Not big ones, just enough to perk them up a bit from their current B+/C to full C to almost D, which I think is where I want to be. I mean, on the one hand I'm proud of the fact that my breasts are all-natural but on the other hand I just plain want more, you know?

I may never get there but my goal is to have enough on top that guys have trouble making eye contact without their gaze drifting south. That's what I want.

They're Not For Comfort

2011-08-12T11:59:00.000-07:00

photo by Marcusram

So yesterday I went out shopping for the day and, perhaps foolishly, found I couldn't resist wearing my latest shoe acquisition. I knew better but I still let my feelings and desires win. Silly me.

Okay, look, if you've read the blog for a while you know I'm big; like 6'1" - and chubby - so really, wearing heels isn't the best look except maybe in my mind. They do look hot! But, that doesn't mean they work on me. That wasn't the problem, though.

The problem is that I'm paying for my adventure today with sore feet and legs. Owwy. I don't know how I'd survive if I had to wear heels and do a lot of walking every day. Seriously, I'm like really hurting right now. *sigh*

Let's face it, girls, these shoes are not exactly built for comfort. Although I love them and think that they are the hottest, sexiest things ever developed by humanity, I must admit that they are best worn when pointed at the ceiling. That's what I really, secretly want them for, anyway! Shhh... don't tell that.

They're also beautiful, though, and I suppose if you work in an office and don't cover a lot of ground they're still great. But if you do a lot of walking - especially if you're heavy like me, they have their own way of revenge.

So that's how I paid for my shoe obsession.

Out and About

2011-08-04T15:20:00.001-07:00

I wish I could do something about those shoulders... But this is me; all of me. :( Oh btw, do you like my new shoes?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Hey, How Come I'm Not On That List??

2011-08-02T10:52:00.000-07:00

I don't know if there's all that much value in being famous, particularly when one is famous for something freaky. But, that's the way the world is nowadays; it seems like half the country is "famous" at least in their own little sub-group niche.

So one of my urnotalone.com friends posted a link to a list of famous transgender people. Basically, it was just copied from Wikipedia before self-hating TS Terri O'Connell got hold of it. So I asked, "hey, why am I not on that list?"

I was kidding around, of course but it also made me stop and think....

Well, it could be that I'm not famous for anything. Hmm... Actually, I was almost famous a few years ago as my art kind of took off and I got invited to many shows and got written about in some books and magazines. I kind of screwed that up by going in too many directions. People were talking about my abstract and expressionist art while I was busy delving deeply into impressionism. I don't like doing only one thing at a time.

Ah to be a decade younger again, and on the fast track.

Maybe I'm not transgender enough. That could be closer to the truth, actually. I spent most of my adult life just living it - and certainly not being an activist or a professional transgender person. My bad. The list tells me that you probably need to wave your private parts in the world's collective face to be considered anything in this community.

In the art world, it probably helps to be weird and I haven't sold myself as anything other than a woman artist. Maybe I need to change that. Still, I do NOT want to be famous for something bad. Unlike some people, I don't believe in the "no such thing as bad publicity" axiom.

A short list of transgendered famous people.

Heel Addiction

2011-07-30T22:40:00.000-07:00

You know, I really have to do something about this whole shoe-collecting ... thing. For one thing, I am way too tall to be strutting around in tall heels, you know? But I do love them.

Oh don't worry, potential love mates, I'm no Imelda Marcos (boy, there's a dated reference!). I just have several pairs of shoes that I never wear anywhere. And it's kind of silly. Le sigh.

Thigh-Highs and Heels

2011-07-20T17:58:00.000-07:00

My presents to myself for my birthday: Some thigh-high black stockings and a pair of sexy open-toed strappy pumps, with appropriately slutty heels. Ah, the life. It's a crappy picture though, I'll have to get better ones sometime.

And of course I'm still enjoying the beautiful glitter nail polishes some anonymous but wonderful soul sent me. I painted my toenails too, but you can't tell so much through those dark thigh-highs. :)

The Gift of Nail Polish

2011-07-18T15:34:00.000-07:00

A surprise arrived in the mail today! It's a set of 6 sparkly specialty-themed China Glaze glitter nail polishes. Wow! I'm so happy, I had to give them a quick and dirty try-on:

I know, it's weird to put on all the colors at once but I'm a different kind of girl. :) In the photo: (L to R) 859 "Good Witch?", 857 "Dorothy Who?", 182 "Ruby Pumps" (yum), 855 "Cowardly Lyin'", and 858 C-G Courage. You can see the theme. :) The one missing color in the pic is #856 "The Ten Man" - it's a sparkle silver-white color, very pretty ...because I don't have 6 fingers on one hand :)

Here's another pic; same hand, different angle:

I guess someone noticed the small link to my Amazon gift wish list on the sidebar? Whoever you are, thank you! If I knew you I would thank you in person, cuz I just love nailpolish - it's fun. And of course, you can never have too much glitter.

The missing color made it onto my right hand, after I took these pictures. I'm going to be wearing these every day for a while now. In fact, I'm even keeping the mix of colors on both hands for the rest of the day. It will be interesting to see if anyone notices. And if they do, I can tell them about my surprise gift.

When I redo them, I will do a proper manicure - this was quick and dirty so I could show off.

That's my breaking news for the day: I'm walking on air today - all thanks to an anonymous fan. This is awesome. Thank you.

UPDATE: Here is the color I missed yesterday (due to finger shortage:) ... It's "Ten Man" - very glittery and transparent in shadow, but in direct light it sparkles as you can see:

The Timelessness of Spectrum

2011-07-01T14:50:00.000-07:00

Tgirls have always been with us - the woman above is identified as a transgender person in the 1940's. She lived full-time as a woman although she was genetically male. We'd call her a transsexual today but back then she was probably called a transvestite and was perhaps arrested from time to time for simply living her life.

Technology changes but human beings are pretty much the same. A recent story brought to light transgender girls from thousands of years ago - when we found a genetic male who was buried with women's things in a women's style burial. We shouldn't be surprised.

As long as there have been human beings, we have had T* sisters. And I'm sure acceptance of transgender/transsexual people has waxed and waned over the centuries. Don't assume "it gets better" as human history shows more of a pendulum than straight progress.

So here we are. We still have some crazy whacked-out nuts who want to burn us at the stake, we have a few who accept, a few who are curious and a whole lot of others who just kind of shrug and move on. Nothing has changed except the technology we have available to us.

This brings me to my thought for the day: The universe might not give a flying #&*#@ about us, but we should care about ourselves. Life is short, girls, and it isn't waiting around for us to make up our minds about things. It is better to do something than to sit around and wait for something to happen. If you get it wrong, big deal. At least you took a shot, right? So try something else. As long as we're alive, at least we have a chance at being happy.

Fantasy Life

2011-06-27T13:50:00.000-07:00

There's a whole weird dichotomy in T* community between trans women who like to be girly girls and those who are or think they are uber-feminist grrrls. I think I fall somewhere in between, actually, but I often lean more towards the girly girl side: I like sexy pumps, I enjoy makeup and hairstyles - stuff like that.

Now, according to many in the grrrl camp, that makes me "not a real transsexual" somehow. If that's true then genetic women who like those things aren't real women either, then ...right? I mean, it follows. Then of course the billion dollar fashion industry, the lingerie industry, the sexy shoe makers - they must all be making their money off of transvestites, right? Hopefully when I put it THAT way, you start to see how stupid that whole line of thinking really is!

You could just as easily make the opposite argument if you want to argue; that the grrrl uber-feminist type Tgirls are reflecting a man's idea of what women are like. Specifically, that the average woman really thinks that men are pigs and that she would never wear sexy clothes or makeup if she wasn't forced to.

Since I've been around a long time, I've seen plenty of that behavior and I suspect that a lot of that "I hate men" stuff is really self-hatred being projected.

I like to put on lipstick and blush and eyeliner because I like to look sexy. If I were younger and skinnier, I'd be doing it all the time. I like men, too. That's a fact. I want them around me. I want them to touch me. I want them inside me.

Oh and sometimes I like women, too. So sue me. Now having said all that, there's at least as much chance that I will get comments and or email supporting my love of sexiness as there is that I'll get vilified for being something less than a real transsexual. That's the sad state of affairs in the community today; the only PC thing is to hate men and femininity. Seems pretty stupid to me if you are transitioning but again, whatever. Just let me be me, and you can be you - and don't judge me.

Titillation

2011-06-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

Hipstamatic self-portrait complete with strategically placed blur just to keep it all PG. I actually posted this a couple of days ago and then deleted it right away because I was embarrassed. But then I thought, come on, I'm getting a little old to be frightened so easily!

I like seeing me this way. It shows off my best features (nice hair, pretty face, nice rack) and hides my bad ones (too big, tall, fat). It's like how I prefer to think of myself.... all the good stuff with none of the ugly. Well we all have our fantasies, don't we? And life is so short, we might as well enjoy them while we can.

The Difference of a Decade

2011-06-14T11:58:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a difference a little time makes, hmm? Well, duh! But I was specifically thinking about the advances in the transgender/transsexual world. Things have changed so much that it seems like girls today live on another planet versus what I went through.

For instance, back when I transitioned in 94/95, almost nobody had facial feminization surgery. I don't think I heard of it until years later, actually. Did it even exist? But a decade later, many would say it's the number one thing that needs to be done. And basically I agree. In fact - in my opinion - it is one of the very first things you should do! For me, the lack of FFS has been an ongoing barrier to acceptance (to THIS DAY) and probably always will be unless I win the lottery or acquire a magic benefactor.

I understand voice surgery has gotten a lot better, too. I never had it done but that was for lack of money rather than lack of faith in the system. I tried the Melanie Philips and other methods. The thing is, Melanie's voice was 90 percent of the way to a woman's voice BEFORE she came up with her method - it's just not going to work for everyone. Same with some of the other stuff you see online.

Another thing that's changed is the level of information available. Back in the 90's, it was still mostly provided through support groups while today, everything there is to know about transition is available online. Of course, at least some of it is bad information, but at least you have a lot of things to work with and hopefully can sort it all out.

And last but not least, it's the drugs. Back in the 80's and 90's, one could get female hormones from a drug dealer at about a 100 percent markup. I know; I started taking hormones in the 80s - first birth control pills then Premarin. Birth control came via my domestic partner and a doc, while the Premarin came from less licit sources. If you couldn't get to a doctor, that's what you did. Nowadays, though, despite the iron fist of fascism looming over all of our heads, there are still alternatives. I don't expect that to last, of course, but it makes an interesting time to go through the process.

So it's weird because on the one hand I couldn't have waited and if I had I would have felt I was too old while on the other hand if I had gone through the process a decade later I might have been better off in at least some respects. Oh well, you know what they say about hindsight.

On the bad side, you can thank Jerry Springer and others for putting T*person status on the front of everyone's brain. In the 80's and early 90's nobody thought more about me than "wow that's a really big woman" or something like that. I hate to say "the old days" but in the old days it is a fact that being stealth as a T-girl was more realistically possible thanks to the fact that such thoughts never entered most people's minds. But NOW, thanks to t-status being thrown out there as a public meme, now genetic women who are big boned, large and/or deep-voiced get pegged as "trannies". I guess there's more public acceptance too but what goes with that is that now everyone knows what you are and feels free (thanks a lot, Jerry) to make fun of you behind your back.

All in all, though, I envy the new T*girls of today for their resources and network. I was just born a little too early for all of that, I guess. But I don't envy (but have to live with, anyway) the new freakshow status of trans* people. Alas, we can only work with what we have, right?

So anyway, I haven't quite given up yet. Even though next month (July) is my birthday and I'm probably getting too #&*$ old, I've kind of thrown a donation pool out there (sidebar) for face feminization surgery / voice feminization surgery... you know, the kind of stuff we know every t-girl should do now but 16 years ago when I transitioned you never heard of this stuff. I realize that it is unlikely that I'll ever raise enough to do that but a girl can dream.

The Truth

2011-06-06T16:58:00.000-07:00

That's me... my barely covered breasts in all their glory. This is the closest thing you will get to a boob-shot on a PG rated blog. No bra, no padding, just a thin top so you get the idea. They're not much to look at. And I'm fat, too - just imagine how little would be there if I lost weight1 Pretty disappointing, isn't it?

I started on female hormones in late 1994 and I went full-time early in 1995. Today, this is all I have to show for my efforts. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I have my girls, but sheesh; the titty fairy was not kind to me. And it makes me sad sometimes.

Therefore, in the back of my mind, I keep thinking that I really should work toward getting implants. It's really only a fantasy, I know it's never going to happen. But a girl needs something to dream about and that's my dream. Well, that and being a famous artist/photographer...but you know...

I guess there must be some kind of up side to it all ...like... ? I don't know..like I could easily pass for a boy if I needed to? Yeah, that's just great. Seriously, though, it's pretty hard to grow a real rack unless you start very young. They used to throw around a generalization that you'd probably end up about a cup size smaller than your closest female relatives. Hah! I wish. If I knew then what I know now....

But then again, if I knew then what I know now I might be much more ambivalent about the whole transition process. I'm not saying I wouldn't do it if I had it all to do over again, but I am saying that I'm not sure what I would do.

blast from the past ...

2011-05-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

Going through some old photos again... Embarrassing both for age and look; I did some more boudoir type pictures ...omg, do I have to tell? This back in the mid nineties!

Now think about this for a minute... the mid nineties. Hmm, nobody was doing digital photography back then were they? No, not really. This was 35mm. My sister was the photographer. I developed them at a one hour photo place nearby. And boy did that shop owner have a sh*t eating grin on his face when I picked them up. I'm sure I must have been out of my mind. One or two of them might have shown a bit more than this.

Anyway.... and it was small-town Oregon too; Tillamook or Cloverdale or Pacific City. I think the one hour photo shop was actually in Lincoln City, Oregon. Small towns are not known for being transgender-transsexual friendly. Even a stranger can't be very anonymous in a rural area, and I grew up in Tillamook county for petesake! Nope, not very discreet of me!

Yeah, I was crazy. Also, nowhere near as pretty as I thought I was. But hey, I did have that big mall hair look (all of which is real, btw - no wigs for me). It seems, though, that my personal vision of who I was got in the way of reality... and reality lost that battle. Oh well. I've grown a lot since then (in more ways than one) and I get it now; I'm crap ..nothing... ugly.. BUT, I'm still glad for my life, as weird as that seems.

Back then, one of my few sources of moral support was the local fire chief who was also the pastor of the Cloverdale/Pacific City Presbyterian church ...I know, right? But I guess he was enlightened. God bless him. One of the few kindnesses.

Contrast that with a local evangelical nut job church where I later learned they were hatching a plot to actually kidnap me (literally) and ...I guess exorcise me. Or something. With that kind of thing around, I'm probably lucky to be alive.

For the other reverend guy, though, I just want to say, Thank you, pastor-fire chief, wherever you are.

Old blonde pic

2011-05-27T16:12:00.000-07:00

Just because I haven't posted anything in a while ...and I found some old pictures of me. Way back, like around 2000-011 I was really into being blonde. This strawberry color is what I ended up with, using Le Blondissimus Platinuim Blonde shade with my natural hair. Sometimes I want to go back to blonde again but it's such a pain in the butt to keep up with the roots. *sigh*

More on the difficulties of transition

2011-03-10T11:37:00.000-08:00

Well, being post-transition for going on a couple of decades, you'd think I'd be really tired of talking about this -- and I am! On the other hand, when I think back to all the girls I helped through the process after I did my thing; I wonder, did I really help them?

So I was looking for job information actually, when I came across this web page, "So you want to be a T-Girl" ..not what I was looking for but I thought I might as well see if it had job information on it. This page is actually a sobering if negative assessment of ones possibilities for success with transition. Since we were talking about people who go back (in a prior post) I found this quote interesting:

Of the millions of men who attempt the transition, less than 15% make it, and that 15% certainly does not have it easy. Think about this too... the 85% that fail? They go back to living as a man, in the comfortable world they knew and can function in.

I wonder where that number comes from? Most of the stuff I've seen has those numbers reversed (which I never believed, either). Either way, it's pretty tough - especially job-wise.

Among the discouraging things cited in this article is the fact that you'll probably never be totally passable (something I only learned for myself in the last 6 months) and that work is very difficult to come by. Many if not most girls end up as escorts and such.

Okay, confession time, (may not leave this part on my blog for long!) I suppose you can say that I have some familiarity with the sex industry. I don't think it's still an option at my age but if it were, it might be the best one. "Best" is relative, of course; you have to be willing to just accept that you're a piece of meat and that's all you'll ever be. If you can do that, you can probably survive it. But I digress....

I'm struggling with the job thing right now. I don't know what to do. Jobs are hard to come by in ANY case and for a t-girl they are... impossible? Well, maybe if you are in a field where they are desperate; if you are top game programmer or something. But for me....

My experience is in old-school web design, photography (former wedding and portrait photographer), book editing and basic computer work including some network stuff. And just to make things worse, most of that is self-taught or OJT.

Who would want someone like me dealing with their customers? I'm really good with people. I'm super smart and personable. But I'm a t-girl! Some people are going to "read" me. Maybe most of them will, I don't know anymore.

And as I said, at this point I think I'm too old to be a sex industry worker. Probably. So what's left?

The web site above tells it pretty straight, I think. I'm annoyed at the "real transsexual" bullshit because, well, because it's bullshit. I'm not going to defend or argue this crap. I'm tired of it. If you want to write to me to tell me what "true" transsexual is, don't bother. I'm not interested.

There's an actual name for this fallacy, the one that causes a transsexual person to define other transsexuals as not real. It's sometimes called the "No true Scotsman"^[cite] fallacy after its most common example.

Teacher: All Scotsmen enjoy haggis.
Student: My uncle is a Scotsman, and he doesn't like haggis!
Teacher: Well, all true Scotsmen like haggis.

In other words, you start with something you don't do and therefore you think no transsexual would ever do (because after all, you are the epitome of transsexualism). Then when someone points to some transsexual who does that thing, you respond with, "Well, she's not a REAL transsexual."

It's not an argument, it's just an insult -- one used as an attempt to defend an unsupported assertion. But again, that aside, it's a pretty good page and you should read it thoroughly if you are considering transition.

Now back to the job thing; what should I do? The world wonders.... does anyone hire transgender/transsexual women who don't pass perfectly? Especially ones past their sell-by date? What kind of job would that be?

I'm just about Done with this Passing Subject

2011-01-24T16:05:00.000-08:00

I really didn't want to write another post about passing related to transition or de-transition and job hunting. It came up again, though in some only discussions and I wanted to share with you this bit of information.

The site Second Type Woman has a whole thing on stealth, which you should read. The gist is basically that hardly anyone is as stealthy as they think they are: This was my personal observation long before I read this article and was originally brought to the fore here by my bad experience in the emergency room.

For me and many others, belief in our passing ability came from reinforcement from the gender community with the added help of supportive friends. There are lots of people out there who have a certain stake in telling you what you want to hear. They are trying to be nice.

More is going on than just some misleading statements, of course. I think the perspectives of the general population have been altered to a great degree so that what worked 20 years ago really doesn't work today. Again, this was my experience BEFORE I read the article.

Honestly, things have changed since I started this process many many years ago. Oddly, it is really the general acknowledgment of the public that we even exist that is at least partly to blame, even though TS/TG activists have sought that in the name of acceptance. From the article cited above:

Until perhaps the 1980's, if a person's name was 'Helen' and she wore lipstick and a dress, she would be assumed to be a woman even if she also had an oddly deep voice, rather large hands and not the best complexion. Things have changed since then - people have become increasingly educated (if only subconsciously) on the signature signs of a transsexual. We are getting close to the stage where most people know a transsexual woman - be her family, friend, work colleague or an acquaintance. Another real problem in recent years is the regular appearance of transsexual women on television in reality programmes, soaps and on talk shows. As a result, some transwomen who have passed successfully for years or decades have been reduced to tears on finding themselves "outed" within minutes or even seconds of entering a room of strangers.

I used to call this the Jerry Springer effect. Frankly, Jerry did more to harm the trans community than any bigoted Nazi creep because he paraded transsexuals on stage - on a daily basis - and made them the subject of public ridicule in the name of entertainment. This accomplished two things: 1) It made transsexuals into a joke and 2) It sensitized the general public to the appearance of transsexuals.

Anyway, I'm really tired of this subject. From the STW site there is also a "Can I Pass" test, which gives you a general rule of thumb about what to expect based on your age, size and other physical attributes. It might be worth a look.

Of course, none of this matters much if you don't care whether people accept you as a woman or not - and that's where most transsexuals have to end up to survive. It's either that or develop and elaborate self-delusion where they can believe that they always pass and it can never be a problem. And if you are a computer programmer or some other person who doesn't have to deal with the public a lot, then that's a possibility.

A Genderbread Person

2010-12-14T15:22:00.000-08:00

A different take on gingerbread man, this "genderbread" person illustrates the difference between gender, expression and orientation. It's like a crash course.

The T-girl and Civility

2010-11-03T10:31:00.000-07:00

We've been delving into the ideas, fantasies and realities of "passing" so I thought I'd mention an article by Juliet Jacques on being questioned about ones gender: What not to ask a transsexual.

It seems like people lose a certain amount of inhibition once they identify a trans person; they feel free to ask personal questions they wouldn't dare ask anyone else. Now one idea is that aggressive questioners generally fall into two categories: The smugly superior and the disapproving. Which is to say that questioners feel morally and/or physically superior to the T person and therefore are disinhibited from asking otherwise socially-unacceptable personal questions.

This can be embarrassing and even feel threatening. In general, I've been pretty good about answering questions if they seem motivated by a real interest in information. However, you can read in my encounter with a 2nd cousin how these things don't always go well. It seems the "gentleman" in that case was just looking for his own little excuse to feel superior to me and to dismiss me as a human being. Which of course he did immediately, once he got all his answers.

This leads me to feel that I need to reiterate my basic premise: Unless a T-girl INVITES questions (as I sometimes do), asking intimate questions of a relative stranger is definitely a form of social aggression and just a step below physical violence. It could even constitute a threat and possibly assault in the legal definition, depending on how aggressive the questioning gets. We all need to be wary of these arrogant superiority-seekers in our midst.

The author of the article I cited has also written a bit about passing (and this relates to being aggressively questioned, too): Confidence is the key to passing.

What she's saying here is that your general apparent self-confidence can at least shut-down some potential detractors, which is a good thing. And as I pointed out in my previous post, those who have convinced themselves that they pass all the time have this tremendous advantage going for them. It isn't that they really pass as well as they think, it's that their belief in themselves tends to cut-off negative remarks from others.

I confess a certain admiration for those t-girls who've talked themselves into believing that they are totally passable and are never "read." Of course, I used to be one of them.

Transition Failure

2010-10-20T11:34:00.000-07:00

The Author/Blogger

TS/TG blogs are supposed to be happy, sexy things, aren't they? Well, that's what some people think. And certainly you'll see lots of hope and "you can do it" stuff. But I made a commitment at the beginning of this process - a commitment to honesty. I don't want to be whine-y, either (the other kind of T*blog you often see) so I'm going to talk about a touchy subject and try to divide it down the middle, okay?

The transsexual/transgender life can be a tough one and I someteimes wonder how many people don't make it. I've met many many t-people who have at least some regrets but are afraid to express them. Most of these regrets have to do with not being accepted as "just a woman" or whatever. If you are in this group, you are a "normal" transgender/transsexual woman. Don't feel bad. We're going out on a limb for a reality check, here: No matter how pretty you are... For most of you: The ER nurse isn't buying what your selling and your dentist may keep his mouth shut and be nice but he knows: dental patterns don't lie and there's nothing you can do about them. That's reality, and it's okay.

I've met a few t-people who are smug about being completely "stealth" and passable and 100 percent accepted. I have to say that in my direct, empirical observation, the majority of the people in this category are living in a fantasy world: Many of those around them know that they're T* but they are either accepting or at least indifferent. That should be enough, right? I'm okay with that but some in our community have to have it all. They have convinced themselves that they are totally passable nobody including doctors ever know.

This is not automatically a bad thing though; you could call this kind of thinking delusional but they've found a way to live with their condition that makes them happy. THAT'S A GOOD THING. If there is a down side to this, it's that they might experience an event that shakes up their world view in a life-changing way. More on that later, but I'm basically cool with those who have convinced themselves of their own complete pass-ability. Social norms and the gorilla effect (see my last post) help keep them from getting negative feedback so this strategy mostly works.

A middle ground are those girls who've been half-lucky with genetics and/or had a fair amount of cosmetic surgery done, who therefore pass in the vast majority of situations - at least all casual ones. I would say that this is "good enough" for most of us. There will always be people out there who are exceptionally sensitive to anything T* in appearance (*cough* Jerry Springer fans *cough*) and they're going to elbow their friends and whisper. But it doesn't happen often enough to get your feathers ruffled unless you are one of those girls who insist it must never happen to you or you'll "just die" - in which case you might want to work on your perspective, or possibly join the group that never sees people reading them ...or you know, just never leave the house. :)

And of course there are the one percenters - my term for those who really do pass completely, 100 percent of the time under EVERY circumstance - so nobody knows their gender past unless they choose to reveal themselves.. Interestingly, these girly-girls don't tend to be smug. In fact, the one-percenters are some of the nicest people you'll ever meet in the t-community; always willing to give a sister a helping hand and always willing to stand up for what is right. Before you get all cranky about this: No, I don't know the exact number. Neither do you! It is VERY small, though, when you are talking about people who pass all the time under every circumstance.

Then there are the lost girls: The people we don't know very much about -- the ones who go back. I haven't met anyone (in person) who has done this yet but I've talked to a few online who are now living/working as men because they felt they had to in order to survive. It seems to be mostly employment-related although there are people who go back for religious reasons.

There are no believable numbers on how many go back but you'd expect that: The social pressures to not admit failure are huge, even bigger perhaps than the ones against transition in the first place. The representatives of the sex change industry want us to believe that it's less than one percent. I've read that number somewhere but it's not credible. However, we can't say for sure what the true numbers might be. And it may well go up quite a bit during tough economic times, and down some when things are better.

The pressure is there... As a totally straight friend of mine told me shortly after my transition (many many years ago), "I don't really understand the gender identity stuff but I can accept that you have this problem I guess. If you ever went back to being a man, though ...well, then you'd be just a nut!"

Thanks, Nick. Personally, I think that people should be allowed at least some latitude to figure out where they fit in the world. This whole idea that you have to get it right the first time is an unreasonable standard, in my opinion. While most people are firmly and obviously either male or female, there are always those who fall in between - and that has always been true. Hopefully, everyone can find a place where they are happy - but it may take more than one attempt to find the right balance.

This issue came up with last year's suicide of Mike Penner/Christine Daniels. Mike was a sports writer who became a woman (Christine) in a very public way and then later quietly went back to being Mike. There was a big deal made in the gender community (as well as among straight folk) about the initial transition. The going back wasn't news, though. It was quiet. It was unspoken. And it was ultimately deadly. Why?

Why did Christine go back? Passing seems to be the answer of those closest. a few paragraphs back I mentioned girls among us who feel their life will be over if anyone points or stares or whispers. Christine didn't meet that ridiculous bar and it appears from what friends said that she couldn't handle it.

While I totally sympathize, I also think one has to be more realistic. Anyway, so there was that and there was also the trauma of the loss of family ties (a very common problem for Tgirls).

Christine looked pretty good to me in the pictures I saw. Some people say the same about me, by the way, so I know that pictures don't always tell the whole story. In real life - in 3D as it were - sometimes things look a little different: The physical size, the broad shoulders, etc. Stuff that doesn't show up so obviously in an image sometimes makes a big difference in person. Apparently Christine had some problems with people staring, giving her "funny looks", whispering... the usual non-acceptance stuff that happens when one gets "read" and a thing that pretty much every Tgirl goes through, including the ones that never see it.

When I was in my early transition days back in the previous century, I had many people tell me I was totally passable, including my therapist. I thought I looked pretty good, too - but the external feedback seemed universally positive and was definitely a factor in the process.

Eventually, long after transition., I finally had to accept a different view of myself. The need for such an adjustment was made more bitter due to my feeling of betrayal by friends and family and even my therapist. Did they lie? Were they blind?

You know, I still don't know the answer to that question! Maybe they just wanted to be supportive. Or maybe they saw me in ways others sometimes do not. I guess I'll never know. In any case, it was a tough adjustment: All my life I just wanted to be accepted as a woman - and for years I truly believed I was. Good times. However, now late in life, I've had to come to terms with just being a transgender person - someone who accepts some nominal derision or non-acceptance as part of being who I am.

This came up because of a recent trip to the Emergency Room with a life-threatening pulmonary embolism. They did a fine job saving my life at the ER, but several of them used wrong pronouns (and did so without hesitation), which was a real shock to me. It made me think about a lot of things...

Recently I read about someone who went back - a girl who detransitioned. His/her discussion of de-transition/re-transition can be found here and here. You should read them just to get another perspective. I have my own ideas and I have not detransitioned so I can't speak for that group.

This should be a reality check for everyone. Just as there are all kinds of bigots out there (who are NOT in the majority) ready to make the T-person's life miserable - from religious extremists to intersex pretenders, there are also a few gender community people who are ready to vilify you if you talk about de-transition or other unofficial options. I think this comes from personal fears and avoidance of unpleasant thoughts: As in the natural unwillingness to look ones own death in the eye, many t-people cannot admit to themselves the possibility that one could go back; that their own transition might end in failure.

So Mike/Christine really had nowhere to go: Not quite passable enough to be treated as a woman (to the degree she thought was necessary) and not determined enough to please the gender community's own rigid standards. It was a deadly mix.

I empathize: I'm a big cow of a human being, too, like Christine (as evidenced by my ER experience). I'm just not good enough - not for the "must pass 100 percent" line of thinking, and not good enough for the people who think you can't even consider alternatives.

Maybe I'm getting too old to care but more likely its just many many years spent living in my chosen gender: I realize now that the deep-stealth, totally female advocates are just plain wrong in their pushing of unrealistic expectations, and that their polar opposites in the gender community that advocate full speed ahead no turning back even if you look like a football player in drag are equally wrong in their demand for fundamentalist transgender purity.

In any case... wherever you are in this process as a transgender/transsexual person, understand that you always have options. Suicide is not a good one. Christine Daniels needed someone to tell her that there are a few dozen other places for a T*girl to land that are better than killing oneself.

There are always options. There are always choices. I know that transition often involves telling yourself you have no choice - but that's not really true. No how matter how much one feels they MUST do this (I know I felt that way!) there are really no musts. I think this is mostly a psychological thing to help you feel like it isn't "your fault" when you do something that some people find objectionable. Well... you know, it isn't your fault: People don't choose gender dysphoria - gender dysphoria chooses them. And when you say you have "no choice" you are really agreeing with the critics who say it is wrong to transition. You are really saying you wouldn't do it except you are forced to.

I can understand why one would want to do that but I can't support it in principle, because it can and often does lead to tragedies like Christine Daniels. So allow yourself the freedom of choices! And that isn't saying the choices are always good ones... Christine's suicide is a sad ending to a "failed" transition. But I can't help but think that if she'd been given a more realistic view of things, maybe she'd still be Christine and still be with us.

The writer of the articles I linked to above has found a way to live kind of between girly mode and guy; it works for him/her and that should be considered sufficient. It's an option and it's one that happens to work for that particular blogger. I'm not recommending nor am I criticizing.

To me, you should make an adult decision to transition (or not) and stop trying to blame it on forces beyond your own control. Gender identity is something that just happened to you - not a choice; everything you do with that though is up to you. Ideally you find a place where you are happy and aren't hurting anyone. But if the place you've found yourself is less than optimal then you still have options including adjusting your circumstances or adjusting your view of your circumstances. None of these things are set in stone.

Because I'm talking about personal responsibility and options I expect that I will get comments and/or emails telling me that I'm not a "real" transsexual (despite multiple diagnoses of "Primary Transsexualism" since my teen years). "Real" transsexuals aren't supposed to entertain options, I guess, nor are they supposed to admit that they weren't forced to transition.

The Gender community has its own version of the PC Police, and they're really jack-booted thugs about stuff like this. I think it's a minority of people who want to enforce a certain conformity but we still have to deal with them. The official party line on this subject is that "real" transsexuals have no choice and must transition, or they will commit suicide. I felt that way at one time, too, but I've come to see this as just another defense mechanism; a way to deal with a tough problem without admitting to the role of free will in the process.

Frankly, I've always believed that people with gender identity disorder should be given more options, treatment-wise. Right now, you have bigots who say you shouldn't be allowed any choices - while the PC gender police say you should have only one option.

It's all bullshit as far as I'm concerned. In a truly free country you should be free to do whatever you want and to get the medical help you need to do that. If it's hormones/surgery, fine. If it's high doses of Prozac, that's fine too. In that you harm none, do what you will, should be the whole of the law - in my view.

If you have gender identity disorder, your inner belief in your womanhood may be unshakable. For me, that female self-image has always been lifelong and an integral part of who I am. It's not rational, though, and I accept that. It is okay to recognize that some of your thoughts and feelings might be irrational or at least non-standard, you know. For me, my irrational thought was that I was always a girl, I didn't always look like one. It is just there and I have made my choices based on it.

At the same time, though, I know that we all have to live in a world full of other people and our situations vary greatly. Perfect transitions belong to story books. Real life is a lot more muddy. Sometimes we need to find a place that is less than optimal but is at least survivable.

So I guess in the final analysis, people who de-transition aren't failures, they're just moving on to something else, trying to find a place and an identity that works for them. And that should be okay.

There is no guarantee of happiness in the world but most of the time you should be able to find a place where you are at least coping, if not having a great time. I'm just not always sure exactly where that place is.

Gorillas (And The Transgendered) In Our Midst

2010-10-03T12:43:00.000-07:00

Expectations and inattention ... It occurred to me only today that the effect of expectations probably explains why Transgender people like myself do NOT get too much crap most of the time. ... CSI | Looking for the Gorillas in Our Midst

The study was fairly simple; we had people watch a video in which people were watching basketballs. And all you had to do was … count how many times the players wearing white passed the ball. We made it harder because sometimes they faked passes and they moved around. There were also three people wearing black shirts passing their own ball, and you were just supposed to count the passes by the players wearing white, so it’s a selective attention task.

About twenty or thirty seconds into the task, we had a person in a full-body gorilla suit walk into the scene, get to the middle of the scene, turn and face the camera, thump her chest, and walk off to the other side with a total [appearance time] of about nine seconds. What we find is that half the people trying to count the passes by the players wearing white—fully half of them—don’t see the gorilla at all and are shocked when we show [the footage] to them [again].

In fact, basically I never have a problem ...except in certain situations where people have to pay direct attention to me, such as my recent emergency visit to the hospital for a blood clot in my lung.

Besides being scary, that hospital visit was an exercise in personal humiliation as everyone there - everyone - consistently used the wrong gender pronouns while speaking to me or about me. It was a real WTF moment because this had never happened before.

I have a lot of experience in the TG/TV/TS community and I've seen a split between those t-girls who are convinced that they totally pass all the time and those who think they never pass. Almost certainly, the truth is in between.

I haven't met many 100 percent passable TG girls although I know many who think they are ... and I'm sure there must be some out there living in quiet stealth - but it isn't a realistic goal: No amount of surgery can fix everything. Unless you have a naturally girlish build, exceptionally fine bone structure, etc it's just not going to be 100 percent. You have to be prepared to deal with that - to live with it. And even if you have all the luck to have everything right - a medical emergency will come along and it's not going to be a secret to the hospital people!

The whole incident made me think about a lot of things. I don't have answers, but I do have some thoughts. I will share more of them eventually.

A Word about Breast Pumps and Such

2010-08-07T10:04:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about whether I could have something more helpful to say for those interested in my previous post about lactation and breast development.

The first time I tried give myself better cleavage was when I was 17. I actually made myself a weird breast pump made out of a plastic bottle and a snake bite kit! Pretty stupid, I know, but I was 17. It's a wonder I didn't damage something but I think it helped give me some early development. However, I do NOT recommend this approach!

The second time, it was all hand express techniques as covered in the previous post. It worked. It gets tiresome but like I said, this is ALL work - lots of it, which is why hardly anyone ever does it.

Nowadays, it's so easy to get a breast pump that I have to say this is the way to go. It can be confusing, though, because there are so many of them with such a wide price range. All I can do here is give you my experience on the subject.

First of all, you're not going to get by with bargains, exactly. The cheapest pumps are hand pumps. Besides the fact that they are unbelievably tiresome, they also don't have much suction. You need a fair amount to stimulate your breasts and if you check Amazon you will see lots of complaints about inadequate suction, etc. So AVOID hand pumps and cheap pumps in general. They don't work. You'll hate them.

If you have more money than sense you might try to acquire a hospital grade pump. They run around 800 dollars and up and there aren't many good places to buy them. AND, while they are the most durable, they don't really work better than mid-range electric pumps. They will last longer in theory and that's what you're paying for.... but if they don't, who is going to fix them? And at that price you could get several mid-range pumps that actually work. Nevertheless, if I won the lottery or something I'd get one just on general principles.

Thankfully there are some electric pumps that are reasonably priced and have plenty of suction. They're not all acceptable for the kind of use we're talking about, though, and it's hard to figure out what really will work and what won't.

The fact is, in general the low end electric pumps are really designed for occasional use - maybe once or twice a day. For our purposes, though, they need to withstand 5 to 7 times a day use. For our purposes, I'd say there is price break at around 120 dollars US or so. If you are paying less than that, the thing probably won't work for you. More than that, then yeah maybe ...there are no guarantees here. All I can do is give you my personal experiences.

I've tried cheap pumps and have been very disappointed with the lack of suction and the quick failures. I've learned to read the reviews and do research, though, so hopefully you can avoid my mistakes.

The pump I have now is great and I'm very happy with it -- after some initial issues. The one I use now is the one I've settled on and would recommend as the best priced one that still does the job is the Lansinoh Double Electric Breast Pump - it has great suction that will fill one with warm fuzzy feelings. And so far it's lasted through heavy use. It feels wonderful! It is highly adjustable and can produce levels of suction that is more than I could handle at the maximum setting. But the adjustments are easy enough: Two dials, one for speed and one for suction power.

Now before I go on, I have to tell you that the first one I got was defective and lost suction after a few uses. This seems to be a common fault with many pumps as you will read from user ratings - actually, with all the pumps (even the most expensive ones) you'll see a percentage of complaints about this - but Amazon replaced it for free with overnight shipping even. So I can't really complain. The replacement pump is working like a trooper! OMG, is it!

TIPS: I prefer to use the double breast pump as a single pump unit (this one has that option) and then alternate 5 minutes left, 5 minutes right etc. to a 20 minute total. First of all, it's easier to handle this way; trying to hold two suction cups up to your breasts AND adjust the sucking levels is something close to impossible. ...More importantly, though, I think the longer pumping time also allows for maximum release of prolactin for breast-building and, of course, that wonderful warm fuzzy feeling prolactin and oxytocin give - both released via this simulated breast feeding. :)

I don't know how I can sing the praises of prolactin and oxytocin. You'll just have to try it for yourself. But I digress.... *sigh*.... back to the pump: The Lanisoh pump has control knobs for frequency and sucking strength. For me, I find something right around just past the middle of each dial to be just right. Your needs may vary, of course, but at maximum setting this thing will suck the chrome off a Chevy bumper so you won't have any complaints about that.

My only complaint is manufacturing quality control and they all seem to suffer from this: The only thing I can say is that if you get a bad unit, let them know right away at Amazon and they'll replace it free. (Oh yes, it's all done online: the return forms and everything. With Amazon you'll never have to talk to a human about it if you don't want to. You'll have to give the returned item to a UPS guy or take it to a UPS store but the shipping box doesn't give any clue as to what's inside so you won't need to feel embarrassed. Just save all the shipping boxes n stuff in case you have a problem).

The Lanisoh comes with a dvd and you should probably watch it if you haven't used a breast pump before. It's a little trickier than it might sound. Like, you have to have the angle right, make sure the nipple is in the middle of the suction cone, and for the sake of your pump you don't want to break suction while it's pumping: When you remove it or reposition the sucking part, you need to turn the pump clear off (by turning the Strength dial down to 0 in the case of the Lanisoh).

BTW, I figured out through some sleuthing that Lansisoh and the Ameda Purely Yours Breast Pump are the same pump - same company makes them, they just have different graphics on the pump housing. The Ameda pump costs more (about 152 versus 130 US dollars for the Lanisoh). Just saying....

If you want a different pump that you think might last longer, you can try the Philips Avent ISIS iQ Duo Twin Electric Breast Pump as the next step up (about 182 US dollars) - I've never tried it but it has a good rating with consumer reports (see, I really HAVE done my homework :). If I were going to change brands this is where I'd go. I'm pretty happy with the Lanisoh now, though, once we got beyond the initial one.

And I remind you that once you have a pump of your own, read the manual, watch the DVD. Then find a comfort level that works for you and try to open up many slots in your day. They say ideally you should get in 7 or 8 pumping sessions a day (some people say "every 2 hours") but I've never done that. Well, I get 7 in sometimes - but mostly it's more like 5 a day. It works for me. If you can't do that - if you can only get in 3 times a day - then it might not get good results as far as milk production, I don't know. I suspect that even three times a day will help with breast development, though - just from the release of those wonderful hormones. Remember, too, that it takes lots a long time to see results: Maybe 4 to 6 weeks minimum, as we talked about in the previous post. So you must be patient.

Oh, and I DO recommend that you shoot for that 20 minute mark per session. Research has shown that our beloved prolactin and oxytocin are released periodically over that space of time when there is sucking action going on. If you suck less than 20 minutes, you're depriving yourself. And on the other side, according to what I've read, more sucking after 20 minutes does NOT release more chemicals. At that point your body seems to be exhausted of its stored supplies and needs at least a couple of hours to replenish.

So anyway, that's where I'm at with this project. I'd post a picture of the impressive results but I'm really trying hard to avoid having blogger put a content warning on my pages. And those bastards will, given any provocation. Therefore, you'll just have to use your imagination. ...Maybe if you ask real nice...

Everybody Loves Breasts - So Drink Up!

2010-07-24T12:27:00.000-07:00

Men lust after them, women wish theirs were bigger, t-girls wish they had them... It's just one of those things that's in the human genes - we want breasts.

It's tough for t-girls, though. Genetic women grow them due to a steadily increasing supply of estrogen starting at the pre-teen level. Taking estrogen later in life will grow breasts too but not as much. In part, this is due to the fact that there is another thing lacking, which is human growth hormone. Human growth hormone is what makes you go from a baby to an adult. It fades as we get older which is part of why we don't keep getting bigger but instead settle into an adult height.

HGH (human growth hormone) is almost impossible to get, ridiculously expensive (for the real stuff rather than the fake over the counter variety) - and taking it is dangerous because it stimulates the growth of anything including cancer cells. Also, it grows other things you don't want like brow ridges. So what's a T-girl to do?

Well the good news is that estrogen alone will grow breasts at any age. As an adult, you'll probably end up a bout a cup smaller than you would have been had you had female hormones since early girlhood. That's not too shabby really. The proof.... Wanna see?

This is Just my blog, not a medical treatise. I don't wanna drone on about hormones and dosages and "helper" drugs. It's boring. PLUS, I've noticed that the gender community has more than it's share of orthodoxy police and hormone Nazis that will come out of the woodwork no matter what you say, to tell you that you're wrong and you have to do it their way or else. However, if you have a specific question you can ask. Instead I want to talk about...

INDUCING LACTATION

"Milk, milk, lemon-ade..." Yeah, it's a stupid, juvenile chant from grade school - but the "milk" part is cool. I was always jealous of that. And milk production can have a certain erotic quality to it as well, depending on the person. Of course the main reason a t-girl might want to lactate is to help build breast tissue.

Genetic women don't gain a lot from lactation other than a temporary gain from the fullness of milk but I think T-girls might benefit from the development of milk ducts. Also it's one of the more girly things you can do, in my opinion. So let's talk about transgender lactation, shall we?

The good news here is that probably no chemical help is required. Taking the right drugs makes things faster, I'm sure, but I've heard or people doing it without the assistance of medication.

The bad news is that it's a lot of work. And when I mean a lot, I'm not kidding. That's what we're going to talk about now, because I tried this back in the late 90's but I didn't stick with it - and I was thinking about doing it again.

Getting your breasts to produce milk might seem to be an impossible mountain but it's really just basic biological chemistry. Even many many years ago I had heard about genetic males who had managed to make themselves lactate.

Another piece of good news is that there is nothing special about "transgender lactation" because the body chemistry and plumbing is about the same in everyone. All it requires is the right kind of priming for the pump. The basic technique involves manual stimulation of your breasts on a regular schedule. OR, even cooler, you could have a partner interested in nursing to work with you. BTW, I'm not giving medical advice. I'm sure there are things that can go wrong or cause embarrassment.

With or without chemical help, you'll need that manual stimulation on a very consistent basis. Theoretically, each time you go through the process, your body releases oxytocin and prolactin and other chemicals that start to cause activity in your milk ducts. But it takes a lot of these chemicals working over a period of time before production begins.

The most common method for simulating sucking and stimulating milk production is called the Marmet technique ... there are others but the gist of it is to simulate sucking without unnecessarily traumatizing or otherwise mangling your breasts. The Marmet technique is described here. Also, here is a video of the Marmet technique.

I can tell you from personal experience that the lactation-stimulating hormones released by proper use of this techique (or by proper sucking) is very pleasant. Yes, sometimes erotic, too, but also warm and peace-inducing. Truly a wonderful experience. And you will get this chemical high long before you start producing milk (basically you get it whenever you correctly apply this technique over several minutes).

Think you can do this? Well, using a recommended manual pumping method, you can stimulate the release of milk producing hormones. If you do it right, you should see results in maybe 4 to 6 weeks regardless of gender and with or without hormones. PROBLEM: I said it was a lot of work and I mean it: Ideally, you would do this 7 times a day on a regular feeding schedule, which means a middle of the night nursing session too. Some people say you can get by with 4 or 5 times a day and I guess that is true because usually that's all I ever managed.

You have to do this (the technique or true breastfeeding) for about 20 minutes: 5 minutes on one breast, 5 minutes on the other...then do it over again: total of 10 minutes each. You math boys and girls have already noticed that we're talking about anywhere from an hour and 40 minutes up to 2 hours and ten minutes. On the other hand, you can cut that in half if you can correctly master the technique two-handed and do both breasts at once. ..and you can always go for that minimal 4/5 times a day, which is the least with which you can get by.

This is the result of dedication rather than luck or genetics. Despite how some people feel about the distinction of genders, the plumbing is pretty much the same on the inside. The chemical equipment is there and just needs to be deployed.

Oh and a word about having a partner to suckle before I wrap-up: The partner needs to understand that this isn't just erotic play. If you want to stimulate your breasts to lactate, you partner has to get a good solid sucking latch, and he/she must do this consistently, alternating breasts 5 minutes each for a total of 20 minutes per session. That takes a lot of commitment from both of you.

You know, I can't say how much value this all has. It's pretty cool to have your breasts feel kind of heavy with milk. They're bigger when they're full! As for long term development, I don't know if it helps or not. There is that hormonal high you get, though, and that alone feels really really good.

It would be more fun (and erotic) if one has someone who is eager to drink your milk. That's not where I'm at, at the moment at least. Being on your own, you need to buy yourself a good (expensive) electric breast pump in order to keep on your feeding schedule. By the way, I've now covered the purchase and use of breast pumps here.

If you slow down or quit, you lose the ability to produce milk and you have to start all over again from square one. That's one thing that got me back in the 90's: I couldn't afford a good breast pump so I had to keep doing the Marmet technique. It felt great to do, for sure, but it was so tiresome that I started skipping sessions even after I had plenty of milk... and so I eventually lost it. This time I am going to find a way/make myself invest in a pump - although I haven't done that yet because a good electric breast pump starts at about maybe 130 dollars or more, US. 200+ for the best ones. And you need a top quality pump in order to have it stand up to 5 to 7 times a day usage.

Chemical Aid

People play around with the balance of estrogen and progesterone. Estrogen can be dropped a little or a lot because it actually inhibits lactation. Progesterone supposedly helps but I have never used it. Domperidone (Motillium) is a stomach drug that can speed up lactation. I got in a hurry to step-up production in the 90's and used this stuff... It can make things happen faster but it still only works if you stick with a diligent schedule of breastfeeding/pumping.

---

Oh and there are some other things I haven't tried, like using a TENS unit to stimulate lactation. It has to be used in combination with a breast pump according to commenters here and as described here. Just some things to consider.

Sooo.... I guess I should be thinking about getting a new pump if I really want to keep this up. Or maybe I'm too lazy to continue. Fantasies can only carry one so far, after all.

I, Resolve

2010-06-25T10:22:00.000-07:00

I let myself be talked into too many things. I make the mistake of believing others. It's naivete, I admit.

Like, the therapist who recently promised to help me with something who completely out of the blue changed his tack and basically said "go do it yourself." Real helpful. On the other hand, he could have just said that to begin with; that he wasn't going to actually help with anything. That would be his choice. It's when he says he will and then he won't - that makes him a liar at a minimum.

Most of my hurt feelings come from the fact that I believed him to start with, though. If I'd started out by assuming that he was just shooting off is mouth with no intention of follow-through, then at least I would have known where I stood.

I have to resolve to not believe anything anyone says until they prove it with actions. My bad.
Same with deleting posts! I've been talked into doing that by jerks of all kinds.

The latest one was about Rachel Maddow and her re-broadcast of a tweet via FriendFeed making an extremely disparaging comment about a post-op transsexual. It was horrible and inexcusable - total bigotry.

Then I got this message from someone at msnbc saying how it wasn't really her - that Maddow doesn't have any control over her FriendFeed (why did I believe that?). And immediately the attacks started from people who don't give a shit about transgender people being treated with dignity but who are sycophants of Maddow. I let them persuade me to delete the post.

I take that back. I shouldn't have deleted it. That Maddow FriendFeed belittling Transgender people remains. And don't I recall that when I set up my own FriendFeed I had to give my Twitter credentials??? So that whole "not responsible" thing doesn't fly, either.

I feel stupid for giving in to that kind of pressure. What has Maddow ever done for the transgender community? Nothing as far as I can tell. Being a lesbian does NOT automatically make one tg-friendly. Often, it is just the opposite. She's not my friend. And until proven otherwise, she is not a friend to the community. If I have any more bullshit flack from sycophants, I will repost the entire article and broadcast it everywhere.

The same goes for the deleted post about Mike Penner/Christine Daniels. I let myself get persuaded by political correctness bullshit. In summary; A lot of transgender/transsexual people have convinced themselves that they are totally passable was women and therefore nobody should ever look at them weird. It's bullshit. I've met maybe one totally passable transgender person out of hundreds and hundreds (remember, I used to run a group). The idea of 100 percent passability is more delusion than reality.

The TG/TS community has to take the blame for the death of Daniels; they are the ones that told her how great she looked and how she would be just accepted as a woman. So when she say the sales clerks whispering to each other, she was unprepared.

Yes, the bigots are the ones who make life difficult - but some in the community make it even harder by telling lies to themselves; by talking about 'just being women' and other nonsense that flies in the face of reality. Sure, it helps one get through the day but sooner or later the illusion will be shattered. And then what are you going to do?

Christine Daniel's answer to that question was to kill herself. It was a major victory for the bigots, to be sure, but the transsexual community that was supposed to help her has blood on its hands as well.

So the sum of this resolution is that I will tell the truth. As for the bigots and sycophants, well, this is not a public forum; it is my blog about my life and REALITY. You can peddle your bullshit elsewhere.

Happy New Year

2010-01-01T10:32:00.000-08:00

You know things are at least a little different when a transgender person gets a public job for a change. Stuff like that happens once in a while and it is still amazing: See the news story.

Between some misguided and misinformed (but nevertheless confident in their igorance) religious people going after us and some on the other side who think they are morally superior human beings because they've pinned a different label on themselves, it's a pretty sure thing that transgender people are the most discrimated against in the world.

The label thing is almost amusing in its pathetic nature because of course OTHER bigots will look at those folk and not see a dime of difference between them and us. Their self-appointed sense of superiority doesn't hold water outside of their own little group: The same people who would happily kill us would happily kill them, too. But it's easier for them to wallow in their little homemade reality.

Even so, I can't let the bigots get me down: There will always be people who have a desperate - near sociopathic - need to feel superior to others ...somebody ...anybody. And transgender people make a good target for them: It's safe because who will complain?? It used to be black people. Then it was gays. Now transgender folk are the target du jour for those who are too embarrassed to admit they are bigots and yet want to feel superior to someone else at the same time.

We'll just keep going and sometimes we'll call the bigots what they are. Even if you think I'm crazy or deluded I have god-given right to live my life any damn way I choose.

And so do you.

Happy New Year!

The Acceptableness of Soft Bigotry

2009-12-27T12:03:00.000-08:00

It's like when people say something like, "I don't have anything against gay people, I just don't want to hear about it."

Or, "I don't have a problem with being people being queer but call me that and and I'll beat the crap out of you."

This is my definition of soft bigotry: It's anything that involves "I don't have a problem with _____ , BUT ____" .....If you have a "but" in there, then you DO really have a problem with _____ - one to which you are unwilling to admit because you know in your heart that being a bigot is wrong - but you still are one.

Overt bigotry is looked down upon. Soft bigotry is often socially acceptable. So much so that even people within a discriminated-against community may engage in it.

Take today's case of Terri O'Connell, a person who writes about intersex issues and who is trying to make a buck off of same - going all postal and having a cow because (horror of horrors) someone referred to her as being part of the transgender community.

What could be worse?!?! ...Not much, according to Ms O'Connell.

She tweets here that "My attorney is on this and we will go after any one who ties me to the TRANSGENDER isse again for slander." (sic) -- she even manages to find others of the soft-bigotry community to back her up, no doubt reinforcing her personal sense of self-superiority.

But knowing in the back of her mind that she's saying that calling someone transgender is slander (like calling someone a child molester), she has to add in another tweet here: "I support diversity, always have & I took great risk to my personal & professional life by going public with my story, SO PLEASE RESPECT ME!"

No, Ms. O'Connell, you really do NOT support us, in my opinion: You consider being called transgender to be disrespecting you! You said it. Anyone with two ideas above a lizard for brains can see it.

Transgender, btw, is an all inclusive term for gender-variant persons: SOURCE - but according to Ms O'Connell it is slanderously insulting!

Despite the tweet saying "I support diversity" and a similar statement in her contact page, her aggressive anger over being linked to the transgender community makes it very very clear that she thinks being transgender is a bad thing.

LOOK AT IT FROM ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE: I wouldn't care if someone called me black - I'd think it was funny. ...Unless I was a racist, then I'd be really pissed.
I wouldn't care if someone wrote that I was a Mexican. ...Unless I really hated Mexicans, then I might threaten them with something.
It wouldn't be a big deal if someone said I was gay. I might politely correct them - but get pissed and threaten legal action?

Same goes for Terri....

It's classic soft bigotry, in my opinion, except in this case it's not so soft at all. It drips with hate and venom ...and fear.

And speaking of fear.... I kind of understand self-hating TG people, though. I really do. Society looks down on us. It's a socially-acceptable kind of bigotry - therefore something most of us would prefer to avoid. Going "stealth" is the way some better-looking people do it. People want to get out, to escape....

Still, it's hard to respect someone who is trying so hard to make money off of her gender issues while at the same time angrily denouncing (and threatening with lawyers) anyone who has the gaul to associate her with those OTHER awful people who have gender issues too.

Bigotry is bigotry, even when it is the self-hating kind. It's forgivable for the the pretty girl who wants to go stealth in order to avoid the stigma of gender identity issues. In the self-promoting flag-waver who tries to make a buck off of it while denying any association with "those people" ... not so much.

If you want, you can read Terri O'Connell's full-force promotion of her book at her web site, http://www.goterrio.com/. That's probably all she really wants anyway. Just don't call her transgendered.

-----------

Reference:

TRANSGENDER - refers to any gender variant person. It is a broad, relatively recent term referring to people whose gender identity or expression falls outside of stereotypical gender norms. This includes people who both identify as transgender and those who do not, but whom may be perceived by others as such. The term is sometimes used to describe ‘the transgender community’ as a whole. Source.

SLANDER -

a false, malicious statement (spoken or published), especially one which is injurious to a person's reputation; the making of such a statement

Just to make it clear, according to Ms O'Connell, calling someone "transgender" is malicious and injurious. So much for that "supporting" of diversity thing you got going there!

TERRI: Every word here is my personal opinion and/or factually accurate and sourced. I ain't taking down JACK SHIT.

Sex Change Gene? Yeah, Maybe....

2009-12-13T10:40:00.001-08:00

Okay, here is a new story line for TG fiction writers: Battle of the sexes - one gene keeps us either male or female, scientists find.

Researchers have found that the body is in a constant fight to remain either female or male and the suppression of just one gene could cause it to "flip" from one to the other.

The remarkable findings refute the generally held view that sex is determined at birth and is irreversible in later life.

It's a new and interesting element in the gender puzzle, for sure. I don't really know what it means, yet. Maybe there is a new kind of sex change on the horizon. :)

Old Pictures

2009-10-11T10:06:00.000-07:00

Back in the day when I thought I was hot ...but not. Well, I was still over the hill, but today I happened to find this old dusty photo from November, 1995. It was taken by a girlfriend of mine, I think around Donner Pass, California ...anyway, at some rest stop between Sacramento and Reno.

The wind is blowing my hair and my skirt, and I'm just as happy as a clam.

Yes, I admit, I thought I was something back then. Believe it or not, there are lots of men and a few women who are attracted to t-girls. Perhaps it all went to my head, who knows?

Back in 1995, though, I was still under the delusion that people would just accept me; that I looked good enough to "pass" as they say, and so I would just be treated like any other woman, which is pretty much how I thought of myself.

That is still mostly all I want - but now many years later I realize that it is never going to happen. Even though I am not obsessed with my private parts, apparently some other people are, and they aren't about to let me just be a human being.

I'm not exactly complaining, however, because I know that many people who have suffered from some misfortune get treated like freaks, too. I just saw a young woman on TV who had half her face blown off by a shotgun. You think people don't stare at her and whisper behind her back? You bet they do. And it's the same people doing it, too.

The only difference is that they might feel a little bit guilty about their gossip and stares when it comes to her situation, whereas with me they get to feel morally superior. I've seen some of those high-horse folk actually stand up straighter after looking me over - as if they were saying to themselves, "At least I'm better than that freak, and that makes me somebody."

Such is life.

Difficult Questions

2009-10-04T11:41:00.000-07:00

Having come from an almost-nonexistent branch of my family I've spent some time looking for relatives via genealogical research. Some more about that is posted here.

Mostly, no luck but sometimes I find one or two. I found Suzanne Haight Pittson, for instance, who is a really big deal in the jazz community as well as a second cousin. She's way cool.

Another second cousin is somewhat of a different story. Perhaps he is cool to others, but to me... well.....

When I found him about a year ago, he was very thankful at first that I did so much genealogical work. Very friendly. It was nice someone noticed. Then he started asking a lot of questions, punctuated by reminding me of his status as a born again Christian. These were very personal questions and they got more personal with each e-mail! He wasn't shy about asking, like a doctor taking a medical history.A couple of times I made oblique comments such as "my goodness you certainly ask personal questions" - hoping he'd notice that he was kind of out of line in his grilling of me. This had no effect whatsoever.

Okay, so impolite yes - but I tried to be nice about it. People are understandably curious but there are some common courtesies in social situations. As I've learned, some people think I'm not entitled to common courtesy. Anyway, I have an honesty policy so I answered all things very directly. Once he got all his answers, he stopped writing. That was it. He'd passed judgment.

It makes one wonder about the value of being honest. Nevertheless, I've moved on with my life. This all came back to me again as I read an article posted by a friend titled, A Question of Sex.

A quote from actress Calpernia Addams, who was interviewed for the article:

“I think transsexual people are subconsciously (or consciously) considered unworthy of this common courtesy,” she says, “because outsiders often see transition as a ‘fetish’ or ‘weird sex thing’ rather than the expression of a deeply felt sense of identity. They consider us ‘sideshow freaks’ or ‘perverts’, and thus feel free to say anything they like to us.”

Yes, I think that's how my cousin feels. Who knows, since he doesn't want to talk to me? It's a common human fault; feeling the need to pass unfavorable judgment on others. Perhaps it's a kind of short quick fix for self esteem: No matter what you've done or thought about doing, here are these FREAKS, "and look at how terrible THEY are. I just thank God that I'm not like THAT."

Well, so be it. I served a useful purpose in helping another human being feel good about himself.

Some might suggest that I should have said something along the lines of "None of your damn business!" And truthfully, I wouldn't have been any worse off for it! What would he do, get angry and stop writing???

Perhaps there was a third way but I haven't found it yet.

Look, there is a bottom line here: I'm just a person. I happen to have a sky-high IQ and some creative abilities - and I also have my faults. My kids love me. My art, my photography and my animal rescue work all keep me busy and my life is full. Is it really that necessary to judge me by one thing, especially when that ONE thing that is NOT illegal and harms no one? Is that really the thing that must override all other considerations?

The question is open....

Confessions Of A Hyperactive Mind

2009-09-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

Since my fourth birthday, when I found myself sitting on a curb contemplating the nature of time, I've realized that my brain is wired a little differently than the rest of the world. Some would just conclude that I must be crazy, but that would be an over simplistic analysis. By that standard, Einstein and da Vinci were crazy, too.

As a person born with a hyperactive analytical mind, I spend more time thinking about deep things than the average person. I probably do as much in depth analysis in a day as the average person does in a lifetime. There is no bragging here; only a realistic statement of the facts.

You might conclude that this is basically worthless. After all, I'm not rich or famous, am I? No, I'm an outsider..an outcast. For every person who believes I am a genius, two others think I'm a deranged freak. And if money is the entire standard of human worth, perhaps I have nothing to show for my brilliance.

Whether my labors will be worth something is a tale that can only be told with the passage of time. I write things, I paint, I take photographs - and someday, something that I've done might mean something. I don't only write/paint/photograph, however, I also invent.

One of the things I invented many years ago was a referential form of comedy I called abstract expressionist humor. I gave it that name because it involved short statements that were very funny - IF you knew something. Ignorant people would simply be perplexed.

An example of abstract expressionist humor: "This just in: Thousands of atheists riot in the streets after discovering a blank sheet of paper on a cartoonist's desk." If you don't know much about current events, you won't get the reference. If you do, you'll laugh.

Nobody understood abstract expressionist comedy when I invented it, but that was a long long time ago and today abstract expressionist humor (although seldom called by the name I gave it) is the number one most popular style of humor with generation Y folk. For example, "Tom is NOT My Friend." If you know stuff, it's funny; if you don't then they're just words.

I also invented object-oriented/ perceptual puzzle abstraction as a method for developing an abstract expressionist painting using logical methodology in order to produce a piece of abstract art that bears an actual physical relationship to subject matter as well as a specific intent. It is true, most people don't "get it", but I believe that someday this will be seen as a revolution in abstract art.

MORE: I was one of the first people - in not THE first - to predict that global warming was actually a precursor to an impending ice age. I've been telling this to people for more than 15 years and it is still not widely accepted but some have started to listen and learn. .... I have predicted universal contraction by understanding that the universe can appear to be expanding while it is actually contracting to a point, which because of the curvature of time appears to be everywhere at the edge of the universe itself. ... I have offered a solution to healthcare that is entirely free market. It involves expanding supply by allowing nurses and EMTs to provide basic medical services, thus breaking the stranglehold of the AMA. ... I have created an education solution that I call Open School. Here, high school can be anything from three to six years. Instead of trying to cram everything into everyone's little brains, people could get a good basic knowledge of the world in as little as three years, or choose to stay for up to three more in order to learn the finer points of chemistry, biology or mathematics. Furthermore, once you graduate from high school you could go back at any time to take additional courses without cost. ... And there is more, of course ...

I continue to look for new and creative things to do; I labor to expand the grand unification of practical metaphysics and traditional religion, and I philosophize on the meaning of life.

In addition, I work with feral cat rescue and have produced a photo documentary about the lives of feral cats. My hope is that people will gain an understanding of the consequences of human actions in the world.

To many, these things will be seen as useless, pointless and dumb. But I believe that something better than that will come of my work - even if it is not in my lifetime. And I'm certainly in good company.

A Transgender Artist, My Story Part 2

2009-09-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

Bringing the story from my private site to the world....

WARNING: This is my personal story - my story of learning to cope and deal with a medical problem. If you don't believe in medicine and/or facts don't matter to you, don't read this. Furthermore, this entry contains mature subject matter and images and is not intended for general audiences. If you haven't read my introduction to Gender Identity Disorder then do so before you continue, because I will mainly be talking about that subject. I will talk about the rest of my life, too, so if you aren't interested or whatever, quit reading now. As the saying goes, viewer discretion is advised. Few will understand what I have been through, I realize, but I feel compelled to share my story for those who need to know.

From The Beginning

If you've read my bio or the blog entries, you know I had a pretty turbulent upbringing: Lots of homelessness, a shooting, beatings, and general domestic violence. We called beatings 'attitude adjustments' and homelessness, 'camping.' Many people jump to the conclusion that this is what made me who I am today. When it comes to gender issues, however, this doesn't seem to be the case. And if you read the Gender Identity Disorder discussion, you may understand why that is so.
All of the turmoil and lack of roots aside, I was still dealing with my own personal oddities. So was my family. I'm sure it didn't make them comfortable to have their small son ask for dolls or that he only played with the girls. I remember eavesdropping on their private bedroom discussions about this when I was 7.
I didn't want to be a problem, I guess I just didn't understand that I wasn't supposed to do these things.
In the third grade the school demanded that I get counseling because I "acted like a girl" and "only played with the girls." Again, I didn't know it was wrong, I was just being myself.
I started learning to suppress. But then I kind of/sort of had a boyfriend my freshman high school year. Paul was more - well, gay, I guess. I don't know. I don't want to besmirch anyone. I'm not sure. I wanted to be treated like a girl, but I don't know if he really saw me as a girlfriend or boyfriend. We didn't really DO all that much, but I was smitten for a while. Then there was Kent, but like everything else it didn't really exactly work out.
I got desperate in my late teens. A lot of us do. I read "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask" - boy did that guy hate transsexuals! Reading his ultra negative characterizations almost led me to suicide right then and there. But I didn't kill myself, I started looking for some other way out instead.
At 17, I tried to do some self-surgery. Yes, it's what you're thinking... I used an Xacto knife, a hunting knife, some ice, and a mirror. Pretty desperate sounding, hmm? But not many people can say they've seen their own insides. You know, sawing through skin is much harder than it looks. A hobby knife tends to bend. And as sensitive as those things between your legs seem they're even more sensitive once you start cutting through them.
I passed out halfway through from the pain. I woke up several hours later in a big pool of blood and I couldn't get the bleeding stop. I felt I couldn't wake my mom - it was like 4 am now. I decided I would have to drive myself to the hospital. Somehow, I managed to do that. Of course, they called my mom anyway. In the Emergency Room I had no measurable (by the regular way, at least) blood pressure. I had lost a LOT of blood.
I made up some piece of crap story about how it was an accident and such. I'm not sure anybody believed that. I know my mother didn't because I had long since told her how I felt like a girl and stuff so she was sure I did it deliberately. But she thought I was trying to kill myself.
Then I went to college where I promptly fell in love with my roommate, Ray. I of course confessed everything about feeling like a girl and stuff and he was weirded-out by it. But then he kind of started treating me like one and I started cooking for him and such. It was pretty good for a while, but then he wanted to go out with real girls and I got all jealous... And you can guess the rest.
Some time after that I decided it was all-hopeless and I should just try to "live with it" - you know, what all the crazies and ill-informed folk tell you to do.

Adulthood ..Sort Of

I tried really hard to be a normal person. I even got married at 22. To a girl, I mean. She was my pen pal. Yeah, we were pen pals! Okay, so it's lame. She thought I was okay even after I explained to her repeatedly the whole "girl thing." How unlikely is that?
So we got married, and she helped me be a girl part time. She got me my first hormones: Birth control pills. But before that we had a son. Then it was several years later that we had a daughter.. but ultimately we both wanted different lives. We remained friends but separated. I got custody of the kids, being the primary caregiver.
It was while I was raising the children by myself (several years into it) that I found I just couldn't handle the living of two lives anymore and I started going to a therapist. Before I could go further, I had to discuss it with my kids. I tried to give them every opportunity to veto the whole process but they stuck with me. Some people said I hurt them, but they say no. They are very adamant about that to this day. It seems like they would know best, don't you think?
Some people will say that someone like me shouldn't be a parent. That's crap. My kids turned out to be honor students and super incredible human beings. They also lead pretty normal lives. You couldn't ask for nicer people; they're popular and successful. Sorry to disappoint those of you who prayed for a horrible outcome in order to prove that I am evil and cursed by God. Oh, no I'm not!

Transition:

Just over a decade ago I began taking female hormones full time. I had been on them off and on before that, but this was the serious business. I had been in therapy for a few years, I had received letters from two therapists (A PhD and an MD) and so I got a prescription from my new doctor. I started with 5 mg of Premarin and moved up to 7.5 mg of Premarin. He also added an anti-androgen - which later we found maybe wasn't that great an idea. But that's another story.
I changed my name legally at that time. There are other things involved, like electrolysis to remove facial hair, or laser treatments for same. I guess I've spent seven to ten thousand dollars on those over the last several years -- and I'm still not 'there' yet.
Hormones don't change your voice, either. I just live with that. And they don't change the fact that I'm a big fat cow... going on and off of hormones really made me balloon up. I still don't have a steady supply of hormones - it depends on money. Mostly the money to go to a doctor for a new prescription, but the hormones aren't cheap, either. And then if I DO come up with the money to go to the doctor, I get nagged about my weight. So I haven't gone in a while. I need to.
So anyway, back to the story. I ended up moving to the Washington DC area. I got a guy, too! A temp position led to a permanent job in publishing. And while there, I volunteered to do some illustrations for a few books when other flakier artists didn't come through on time. That was how I got back into the arts.
I had painted a lot in my teens -- then again in my late twenties. I also worked as a photographer's assistant. But I only worked for my own enjoyment until that odd combination of circumstances brought me back to art.
Then the company, which I had risen nearly to the top in, went out of business. I had to rely on my art for real! I wasn't prepared for this. I thought I was going to build something so that eventually my kids might make a few bucks on my art after I was gone. I didn't ever think that I'd be in the position of having to live on it. My guy can't support me, so I've had to figure things out for myself.
The problem is, most companies won't hire people like me. It isn't me in particular, it's just the common belief that this particular type of bigotry is morally justified. Not even Wal-Mart, which seems to have something against TG people in particular and even has a written policy against TG people last I heard. I have a lot of computer and management skills, but my education is divided up into Bible Studies, photography and medicine, with minors in music and psychology. AND of course, some people "read" me. Reading, that's an insider's term. Think of it as in the old expression, to "read like a book." Roughly, it means they look at me and think, "hey, there's something odd about her. She's really big and she has a deep voice. I think she is really a man!" ...or some such thing. It's a crappy term. More enlightened people use the terms accept or not accept. But there aren't many enlightened people in the world. You can thank Jerry Springer for the fact that cruelty to transgender people is considered to be family entertainment.

The Present

Sharing some land with my sister in South Tillamook County has given me the opportunity to concentrate on my art. I've been doing some traveling, too, and have tried to promote my art that way. Recently I got into a gallery. And I had a good long run of selling on eBay before the economy went south. I always sell well on eBay but the prices are just too low these days. Bargain hunters are fine, but when it comes to art they have no idea what they're getting. Anyway, as long as people buy stuff at least some of the time - AND my sister is here to help keep me going.
On the gender front, hormones have done what they are supposed to do and if I were just built lighter I might really have something. (Example) I could girl it up pretty good in the old days, now I'm too old and fat ? yet at the same time I have real boobs. The twins are the most girly things about me.
I'm off hormones at the moment, mostly for lack of money. But I want to get back on them when I can. Although I've had a lot of years of hormones, I still think I can grow some more breast tissue if I can just stay on them long enough. I'm losing some weight finally, too, so that must be a good thing.
I've resisted the suggestion that I do transgender-oriented art. Why? First of all, I'm not even sure what "transgender art" is, other than perhaps an illustration of what being TG means to me. I might do a photo essay on transgender people someday, but that's kind of "been done" before, so I'd need to find a new angle. Second, being known as the tg artist is the furthest thing from my mind. I always wanted acceptance instead, to be treated like a regular person instead of a freak show - something that has eluded me.

And then there is the fact that some in the TG community really don't like me very much. As to the "why" of THAT - For one thing, I've written extensively about alternative treatments for Gender Identity Disorder because I think it is important to offer alternatives for those who can't or shouldn't go through the only medically-recognized treatment. I know that some in "the community" really hate that. But as far as I'm concerned, I'm just being compassionate. This transition stuff is very hard and not for everyone. The outcome is seldom what one would have hoped. In fact, I don't think I could recommend it at this point, mostly due to the mainstreaming of pseudo-Christian hatemongering. Admitting that the evil self-righteous bigots have won makes me want to puke, but they have. Just living ones' life and being left alone is no longer an option. It's one of the sad truths of living on the brink of the new Dark Ages.
In addition, I'm not too thrilled with the transgender community as a whole. Based on personal experience, I have to say that the TG/TS community is dominated by some pretty self-absorbed folk who seem to want to make a spectacle of themselves instead of just living life as best they can. I can understand why, in a way: Being told that you are a freak and don't deserve to live on a regular basis can warp a person. It's a kind of ongoing mental torture that our current culture enjoys inflicting upon those who are different.
Back in "the day," I created and then helped run a TG/TS upport group for a while. Many transgender people were "helpful" and told me what a wonderful thing I was doing ... and then behind my back they worked to undermine everything I had done. I still have transcripts (insiders sent to me) of things they said behind my back. It was shocking and I will spare you the details except to say that their acts of character assassination rivaled any in the Pharisee (evangelical 'Christian') community. I can't speak about everyone and I'm sure there are some nice TG people out there, but the ones I dealt with were a bunch of two-faced backstabbers - that is what I took away from my experience. Like the ultra-religious community, the TG community is dominated by semi-sociopaths who can be ingratiating and sweet as candy to your face - and stab you in the back in a heartbeat if they think it will get them anywhere. Oh, I've known exceptions to that generality, and I'm really glad. All that I did to help the TG community was spat upon, ultimately, by the very people who were helped and supported.
With that in mind, I often feel that I have nowhere to turn. I have no TG friends. None. I know some regular non-tg folk; Of course, they also are polite to ones face but make cruel jokes behind ones back (what, you didn't think I'd hear about it?) but at least in their case you can understand why. It's fun to feel morally superior to others.
Also, as previously mentioned, I've written extensively about the need for alternative therapies: Hormones and surgery are "THE" treatment and the only thing the medical community knows to do, but since bigots are always at our throats I think we need to find something ELSE we can do, too. Those good super-spiritual people don't care how miserable you are, you know - they don't want you to be happy, they'd rather we were all dead (and regularly say so) ...but they will settle for emotional torment as long as we keep it in the closet. I have said before that if there had been an alternative therapy for me I would have jumped on it. Some in the transgender community take that as a personal attack, which is nonsense.
WHERE WE ARE AT: I'm doing okay, now. I've learned to be resilient. Sort of. I wish there were fewer bigots and that anti-tg bigotry wasn't so "mainstream" and acceptable. I wish there were more accepting, tolerant people in the world, but that's just not human nature: Some of the meanest, least compassionate people often have good intentions, they are just ignorant and misguided. One has to learn to live with that. I call this "mean but well-intentioned" phenomena "Aggressive Ignorance" - they don't know, don't want to know, they just want to stick with their ill-informed preconceptions and be in your face about it.

They will preface their bigotry with things like "All I know is..." (and they mean it!). The problem is that they don't know much and/or what they think they know is just plain WRONG, but they have decided that whatever they think they know is the sum total of knowledge - and sufficient to render negative judgment upon others. That's Aggressive Ignorance. We see a lot of that around here.
I'm still hoping that my photography and paintings will start selling for decent money. I get closer all the time but the big break hasn't happened yet. I need to sell more paintings so I can go back and get more laser treatments and get back on hormones again. That's tough, though, because promotional opportunities are rare. Too many think that my existence is inappropriate and must be hidden from public view. My good work is regularly rejected in those ways that let you know what it is really about; the downcast eyes, the "it's not for us right now" kind of oblique rejection....
In closing, it is not my usual style to talk about these private things on my public blog and I will not necessarily continue to do so. I'm hoping that this will end all questions on the subject. As far as I'm concerned, the general public now has more than enough information about me and about GID to make whatever decisions they are going to make.
So that's my story...

Transgender Artst, My Story Part 1

2009-09-29T09:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I've had this information on my private site for a while. But since I've been thinking that the maintenance is a bit much for me, I think it's time to move on. Thus, we are here....

The connection with art will all become more clear in the future, but in the meantime I have to get these issues off my chest. Hopefully I can help you understand some things, too For now, this is less about ME and more about the realities of life and various conditions - and something about spirituality, too.

Preface

The first principle here is that I am speaking from my own experience and my own knowledge base. Now, I have a lot of both, but I know that many will strongly disagree with what I have to say, anyway. In fact, I've been virtually crucified by some in the transgender community for what I have written here and elsewhere. So be it.

Terms:

Gender Identity Disorder is a specific condition identified by medical doctors. It is formally defined in the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders - so yes, it is a mental disorder. I know, I know... But like depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder, it is organically based and at least the predisposition to the condition has a strong genetic component. Since about 20% of the population suffers from some organic mental disorder, you shouldn't look down on someone just because they have this problem. Or put another way, an organic condition that affects ones mental state is just that; one is not different from another just because you might consider this one to be "icky."

People who suffer from Gender Identity Disorder are overcome by the feeling that they should have been born in a different gender than their apparent one. This feeling tends to overshadow everything in their lives, making it difficult to function.

The standard and in fact only treatment recognized by mental health professionals is "gender reassignment" and those who pursue gender reassignment are called transsexuals (sometimes misspelled as ' transexuals ') - a word I really hate. I have a strong issue about this lack of options and I will discuss my issues in a bit.

"Transgender" seems to be a better term - at least for me - because it isn't really about sex at all, but apparent gender. To avoid misleading you, I have to mention that the term "transgender" - abbreviated as TG - includes people who don't go all the way to get surgery, too. This shouldn't be a big deal: Why would you care about someone's genitalia if you weren't sleeping with them? But there are a lot of silly sex-obsessed people who do care about this stuff, so I just thought I'd mention that 'transgender' does not necessarily mean one who has had or is going to have surgery.

Gender Identity Disorder is rare compared to other organic conditions, occurring in about 1 in 20,000 live births that we know of - but that's still a LOT of people. People who suffer from G.I.D. have a very high suicide rate - the highest of any mental disorder. In case you've wondered, this is why the mental health community treats G.I.D. differently from other disorders. Well, it's one reason. Again, I will get into that later.

The identification with the opposite sex is brain-based. Several studies have shown that male-to-female transsexuals have brain structures that resemble female rather than male brains. Yes, there IS a difference, and we can use this to show that the condition of Gender Identity Disorder is based in actual physical things, not something that is just in one's mind. We don't know why this happens: It could be genetically based but the latest thought on the subject is that it is a combination of hormone-sensitivity and something that happens in the womb. In other words, something goes wrong in the fetal development and a male body develops with a female brain - or vice versa. Further research may lead to prevention someday, and that would probably be a good thing.

What It Is Like

With all do respect to readers who are self-assured in their knowledge, you probably won't completely understand what I'm going to say. I will try to put it in the most direct terms: It's very difficult to be someone on the inside and someone totally different on the outside. You know something is wrong, and you tend to blame yourself. Ignorant people reinforce this self-blame. The pain is amplified greatly by those who refuse to accept the fact that this condition was foisted upon the sufferer and is NOT a choice.

Those who consider themselves morally-superior because they weren't born with this condition seem to delight in pointing out their superiority, as if they chose to be "normal." Like the Pharisee who prayed, "thank God I am not a sinner like THOSE people." Thus the self-righteous ones among us become the number one reason behind the high suicide rates.

The gender identification issue starts very young, long before one understands the real differences between the sexes. Look, we all know that despite political correct propaganda, boys and girls act differently - even as babies. GID babies act like opposite sex babies. That's a fact. Are babies making moral choices?

It gets even more difficult when one gets to dating age: You not only don't fit the stereotypes for your birth gender, you really can't fit into them. Oh, everyone tries to pretend - to fake it. This becomes a further source of stress, however, so some G.I.D. sufferers commit suicide in their teens, especially if they have aggressively ignorant parents. But most survive and try very hard to lead the kind of life that the world tells them is normal. Again, this is quite a stress factor: Every moment is spent trying to figure out "how am I supposed to act? What am I supposed to be like in this situation?" You are never yourself, you are always playing a role ..one that is unnatural for you.

Stress is cumulative: Many seek help early in life but those who have a high tolerance for stress may wait until much later to get help. Ultimately, however, everyone either seeks mental health therapy or kills him or herself.

Now, I understand how this is difficult for the non-sufferer to understand: The feeling that one IS a girl even if one was apparently born a boy seems to be pretty irrational. It it easy to see, therefore, why those without personal experience find it so hard to grasp the reality of this medical condition. For those with Gender Identity Disorder, however, it is an inescapable, all-consuming reality. So whether you understand it or not, you need to start by accepting the fact that G.I.D. is a real condition, not an imaginary one, and not a moral failing.

By the way, Gender Identity Disorder is NOT "gender confusion" as some sex-obsessed self-righteous folk try to characterize it: Anyone who has this disorder knows exactly what gender is, they aren't "confused" and they aren't "wondering" about it - they know. The problem is that their inner personal image and feelings are at odds with their physical attributes. People who use the term "gender confusion" are either intentionally or unintentionally (due to ignorance) being condescending toward the victims of this condition. Sometimes this attitude is struck for (misguided) religious reasons, which I will deal with shortly. An overarching principle in life, however, is that you should stick to what you know through being informed of the facts, not what you think you know based on your feelings. Put another way, if you aren't a medical expert and aren't in possession of all of the facts, then you need to either accept the judgment of those who DO know - and/or keep your mouth shut. Otherwise you could do some serious harm. And you don't really want to cause harm to others, do you?

The Transgender Person and God

"God doesn't make mistakes," is what I sometimes hear. It seems like a great argument to those who haven't really given it much thought. This could be a case of using God as a smokescreen for ones personal prejudices, but for the sake of this discussion I will assume that the person is sincere.

Gender Identity Disorder is a medical condition one is born with. Those who say otherwise are not qualified to make such statements. People who have the facts know it is a medical condition, not a moral one. Before you decide what medical conditions are acceptable to you and to God, keep this in mind: There are MANY really bad conditions people are born with: diabetes, cancer, blindness, deafness, spina bifida, Jacobsen's Syndrome, conjoined twins, intersex conditions (hermaphrodites), Down Syndrome ...Fragile X Syndrome, Klinefelter's Syndrome - are we getting the picture yet? Are these all "mistakes by God"?
I don't know that I can answer that question, even as a theologian, because it would be presuming way too much on my part. I DO know that a lot of bad things happen every single day that nobody did on purpose: Babies are born with cleft palates, organs of both sexes, and Gender Identity Disorder EVERY SINGLE DAY, and none of us should consider ourselves to be qualified to pass moral judgment on them.

At one time many religious people would have said that a child born with cancer or diabetes or Down Syndrome was a punishment from God for the sins of the parents. The child must suffer because their parents did something wrong. But that was before we knew about medical causes, genetic disorder, etc. Now that we know something about biology, the argument that all these birth conditions are punishments from God for sin doesn't hold up very well - so now we accept them as part of life and we don't try to use the "God doesn't make mistakes" argument to defend them. Gender Identity Disorder is NOT an exception - or shouldn't be.

"Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker - Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are your hands making?'" (Isaiah 45:9). "But who are you, O Man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this'" (Romans 9:20).

Okay, fine, God doesn't make "mistakes," but he DOES "make" (or nature makes) millions of babies with problems that shorten or adversely affect their lives. It happens everyday, even if you choose not to see it. I don't know why the world works like this, and neither do you. All so-called answers are just human speculation intended to justify preconceptions. Give-in to reality: just accept that there are biological bad things that happen to people every day. That's how life IS on this planet. Leave it to God as to whether these bad things are "mistakes" or on purpose and stop speaking on His behalf.

So the transgender person is part of God's universe just like the spina bifida baby, or the Down Syndrome child, or the one with blindness or with cleft palate or conjoined twins.

I know that the fact that this condition has to do with gender and therefore sex makes people who are weird about sex very uncomfortable, but it doesn't change the reality of it. Other biological conditions like intersex (hermaphrodites) and Klinefelters have to do with sex, too. That's life. If you want to argue about mistakes and why people are the way they are then you should take it up with God and stop picking on the victims.

I could write a whole book on this subject, but it is my experience that those persons who are looking for excuses to judge others negatively will continue to do so no matter what evidence is presented. Those good-hearted persons who are willing to try to understand probably already have the right idea.

A God-Ordained Right To Privacy

Christianity started out - and was always supposed to be about - one's personal relationship with God rather than one being able to judge others and tell them how to live. As a matter of personal conviction, I believe that the things people do are their own business as long as they aren't causing harm to others. It is important to understand that "harm" in this case does NOT include the thought that some people may not like what you do or may think what you do violates their religious beliefs or that they have imagined in their minds some slippery slope in which someday they MAY be harmed in some way that exists only in their heads.

You are not really harmed just because you don't like something or think it is "wrong" in some non-objective way. It would be harm if you were forced to undergo a sex change if you thought sex changes were immoral. However, someone ELSE's sex change does no harm to you whatsoever and really isn't any of your business. If you think it is morally wrong, then that is ENTIRELY between that other person and God. NOT YOU.

Religion, as I pointed out, is something sacred between the individual and God. If you believe that you shouldn't drink wine, for instance, then don't drink it. But other religious believers DO drink and that's okay - you shouldn't try to force others to conform to your beliefs. Again, that's between them and God.

"Let no man therefore judge you in meat, or in drink, or in respect of a feast day or a new moon or a sabbath day - which are a shadow of the things to come; but the body is Christ's. Let no one defraud you of your prize, priding himself on his humility ... and taking his stand on the visions he has seen, and idly puffed up with his unspiritual thoughts. ...If you were made free, by your death with Christ, from the rules of the world, why do you put yourselves under the authority of orders: 'Do not handle this;' 'Do not taste that;' 'Do not touch that other thing' - (Rules which are all to come to an end with their use) after the orders and teaching of men? These rules have indeed an appearance of wisdom where self-imposed worship exists, and an affectation of humility and an ascetic severity. But not one of them is of any value in combating the indulgence of our lower natures." (Colossians 2:16-23)

"Don't judge, and you won't be judged. Don't condemn, and you won't be condemned. Set free, and you will be set free." (Luke 6:37)

"Give attention to the things which are before you. If any man seems to be Christ's, let him keep in mind that we are as much Christ's as he is." (2 Corinthians 10:7)

Where This All Leads

Gender Identity Disorder is a complex condition some people are born with. It really doesn't matter if you "believe" otherwise; medical conditions are diagnosed through scientific examination, not opinions. Nobody knows enough about it to prevent it yet, but we do know that there seems to be a combination of genetic-based sensitivities and in-utero problems that cause it. People with GID have brains that are physically different, and more like the gender they believe themselves to be. Again this is a matter of scientifically established FACT. You can have a different opinion, but it just happens that your different opinions is factually wrong. Sorry.

We haven't figured out a way to re-wire brains yet. Maybe we never will. So the treatment for Gender Identity Disorder remains a regimen of hormones and surgery. If you have an impossible contradiction between the gender of the physical brain and gender of the body, what else do you do? Well, you could just live with it - that's the answer of those who lack compassion and understanding. That leads to suicide. Of course, I have been told by religious people that I should kill myself, that that is what God would prefer. I don't think they really speak for God, however.

If hormones and surgery are all we can do, then it's all we can do. That's all I was ever offered. But is that all that can ever be done? Now we get into the thing that gets me in a lot of trouble..

I am very disgusted with the medical community for not trying harder to find alternatives. Okay we don't have any NOW, but as far as I know, nobody is really trying to find alternative treatments, either. All they have is surgery or "live with it." Nobody lives with it in the long run, of course. They get surgery, they kill themselves - SOMETHING happens. It gets them one way or another. This condition is much too powerful. So that leaves hormones and/or surgery except for those who say we should all die. But there should be more.

While the suicide rate is VERY high among those who try to just "live with it," thanks mostly to self-righteous bigots, it isn't all that much lower for those who take the route that medical science offers. One must be an outcast forever - not because God ordains it but because aggressively ignorant people do.

Had I been offered an alternative I would have wanted to try it. The Cretans who think this is FUN or something, don't know what they are talking about: I don't like being treated as a freak. I resent being looked down upon by people with half my education and only slightly more than half of my IQ. I hate the fact that so much of life the and basic joys that others take for granted are forever closed off to me, just because of whom I am. My personal accomplishments are irrelevant. The fact that I have managed to raise two wonderful human beings doesn't matter. My life of prayer and seeking God and my vast Biblical training and knowledge - nobody cares. All that matters is that I am a freak who shouldn't be allowed to live. That's how SOME people feel. And they are on the winning team right now.

Personally, I would have loved an alternative. It's a bit late now - for me, but not for others. Medical science should be trying to find a better way to treat Gender Identity Disorder.

I'm fighting, trying to speak out for transgender persons as yet unborn: Don't make them go through what I've been through. Please. The bigots will eat them alive and create HELL ON EARTH for them in the name of God's love - and they will be smug about doing it, too. Find a better way. We need a medication treatment, and we need it now. Look at obsessive-compulsive disorder. Look at other organic brain malfunctions.

Even if it is too late for me, let's try to save the next generation, shall we? And until we can do that, please try to stop being so judgmental. No matter what you think you know, you don't know enough to speak for God about this. I guarantee it!